Today’s Horoscopes in the Most Popular Fonts

Today’s horoscopes have been formatted according to each sign’s “core personality,” a term we use loosely, since most of you have none. Please do not email us about font bias. The fonts chose you.

♈ Aries — Impact You will once again confuse urgency with importance. Count to ten before acting, and do not sprint through the numbers like they owe you money.

♉ Taurus — Garamond You will refuse to change anything, including your mind, your routine, and the chair you have claimed as your sovereign territory. The universe applauds your commitment to inertia.

♊ Gemini — Comic Sans You will say three contradictory things before breakfast and insist all of them are true. Pick a personality and stick with it for at least this afternoon.

♋ Cancer — Brush Script You will take something personally that was not even remotely about you. Choose a hobby that does not involve emotional surveillance.

♌ Leo — Broadway You will enter a room and assume everyone noticed. At least one person did, though she will deny it if asked.

♍ Virgo — Helvetica You will fix a problem no one else saw, wanted fixed, or acknowledged as real. Thanks you for your service, even though you did it unprompted and with visible judgment.

♎ Libra — Didot You will spend forty minutes choosing between two options that are functionally identical. Flip a coin, but do not interview the coin first.

♏ Scorpio — Blackletter You will uncover a secret that was not hidden. The cosmos reminds you that intensity is not a personality, though it is certainly a hobby.

♐ Sagittarius — Papyrus You will make a spontaneous decision that ruins someone else’s schedule. We admire your optimism and pity your victims.

♑ Capricorn — Times New Roman You will complete a task no one assigned and then resent everyone for not noticing. The stars suggest therapy, but know you will choose spreadsheets instead.

♒ Aquarius —OCR You will announce a radical idea that is simply a normal idea wearing a lab coat. We encourage you to rejoin humanity at your earliest convenience.

♓ Pisces —Lucida Handwriting You will drift into a daydream and call it intuition. The universe recommends grounding exercises, though it knows you prefer to hover.

For additional horoscopes from the back of beyond, click here if you dare.