Your Slightly Used Horoscopes

Presenting this week’s slightly used horoscopes. Each prediction has been issued previously to somebody else, returned for reasons that remain unclear, and placed back into circulation after what the universe describes as a “thorough celestial inspection.”

Some predictions show normal signs of wear. Others have been refurbished using non-original parts. A few still contain traces of the previous owner’s expectations. This does not affect performance.

All predictions are final. Service histories are available upon request but should not be considered accurate.

♈ Aries: Your career breakthrough was sold as-is. There are scratches near the title, and somebody has removed the original ambition, but all major components appear functional. Avoid asking why it was returned after only three months.

♉ Taurus: A “like new” opportunity arrives in its original packaging. The box has been opened, the instructions are missing, and somebody wrote “DO NOT PLUG IN” on the bottom. At this price, however, you would be foolish not to consider it.

♊ Gemini: Your romantic opportunity has 64,000 miles on it but recently passed inspection. The previous owner reports minor trust issues and a tendency to pull slightly to the left during arguments. Otherwise, plenty of good years remain.

♋ Cancer: A previously owned friendship returns to the market. Service records are incomplete, but the seller insists the unexplained six-month gap was “mostly scheduling.” Take it home for the weekend before making any emotional commitments.

♌ Leo: Your moment in the spotlight is a former floor model. Hundreds of strangers have stood in it, several buttons no longer work, and there is a mysterious stain near the applause icon. Fortunately, it still looks magnificent from ten feet away.

♍ Virgo: Your good fortune has been professionally refurbished and certified to meet minimum cosmic standards. You will immediately notice three replacement screws, uneven stitching, and something rattling inside. Do not investigate. Happiness rarely survives a detailed inspection.

♎ Libra: Two secondhand futures are available, both reasonably priced. One has low mileage but extensive cosmetic damage. The other looks immaculate but smells faintly of litigation. You will spend so long comparing them that someone else buys both.

♏ Scorpio: A lightly used secret becomes available this week. One previous owner, low mileage, absolutely no paperwork. The seller wants cash and keeps glancing toward the window. For once, your instincts and your horoscope are in complete agreement.

♐ Sagittarius: Your next adventure comes from an estate sale. Nobody remembers who owned that adventure originally or why it was stored in the basement beneath three badminton rackets and a fondue set. Throw it in the car. Some provenance is better left unexplored.

♑ Capricorn: Your five-year plan has depreciated considerably but remains structurally sound. A professional appraisal describes it as “serviceable with realistic expectations,” which is not exactly what you wanted engraved on your future … but is probably accurate.

♒ Aquarius: You acquire a refurbished belief system with several aftermarket modifications. It no longer supports certainty, conventional wisdom, or most major holidays. The previous owner installed a small button labeled OTHER. Naturally, you press it.

♓ Pisces: Your dream has been returned twice for reasons the seller describes as “subjective.” It has some water damage, one corner is missing, and the warranty expired during the Biden administration. It is also 30 percent off. Take the dream.

Find additional horoscopes from the back of beyond by clicking here if you dare.