The American Dream Has Added Additional Fees

Although the American Dream remains available,  economists report that several features once included with the basic  package now require additional payment.

Life remains complimentary, but premium life includes fewer advertisements, priority access to specialists, and the ability to speak with a human being without repeatedly saying “representative.”

Liberty is now ad-supported and available in three tiers. Basic liberty permits freedom of thought. Liberty plus allows limited expression of those thoughts. Liberty premium lets you express them without being asked to create an account first.

The pursuit of happiness comes with a thirty-day free trial, after which your card will be charged $14.99 per month automatically unless canceled at least forty-eight hours before your next moment of contentment.

Retirement has added in-app purchases. Golf, travel, prescription drugs, and maintaining an indoor temperature different from the outdoor temperature may require additional credits.

Upward mobility now includes surge pricing. Rates increase during college enrollment, home buying, medical emergencies, having children, and any other period when upward mobility would actually be useful.

The middle class has instituted a cover charge. Admission includes two incomes, one aging vehicle, several streaming subscriptions nobody remembers ordering, and the vague suspicion that somebody nearby is doing much better.

The American Dream is still advertised as unlimited, of course, but actual availability varies by location, income, credit score, interest rate, employment history, insurance network, ZIP code, and whether your parents happened to purchase real estate in 1978.

Finally, terms and conditions apply. The American Dream may be changed, bundled, downgraded, or discontinued without notice.

Gratitude remains free, but tipping options currently begin at 22 percent.

Read more life-changing dispatches from a culture officially in decline by clicking here.