The Portable Bidet Brings the Arms Race to the Bathroom

Personal hygiene is a determined affair. Some people carry breath mints. Some people carry Dude Wipes. Others carry a portable bidet, a rechargeable device capable of blasting a squirrel off a fence.

The portable bidet, once considered an offbeat accessory for people with demanding buttocks, has become the latest weapon in America’s escalating war against bodily functions.

Manufacturers now offer battery-powered models with adjustable water pressure, telescoping nozzles, multiple spray patterns, and a carrying case discreet enough to suggest that its owner is  transporting expensive fountain pens.

“Toilet paper is essentially surrender,” explained Douglas Fenwick, 46, a regional plumbing supply salesman who refuses to shake hands with anyone carrying a roll of Charmin.

“Civilization did not invent electricity so that we could continue wiping our (butts) with dead trees.”

Fenwick travels with two portable bidets, a backup battery, and a collapsible water reservoir. He recently delayed a flight from Philadelphia after airport security questioned the cylindrical device in his carry-on luggage.

“I told them it was personal defense equipment,” Fenwick recalled. “Technically, I was correct.”

The portable bidet industry has responded to growing demand with increasingly sophisticated products. One luxury model features heated water, a pulsating massage setting, and Bluetooth connectivity, allowing users to monitor their cleansing stats through a smartphone app.

A competing manufacturer has introduced a subscription service that delivers replacement nozzles, scented cleaning solution, and monthly reports comparing individual performance against national hygiene averages.

Public restroom operators are less than enthusiastic. Several airports have reported travelers attempting to refill portable bidets at drinking fountains, while one upscale restaurant in Manhattan has posted a notice prohibiting hydraulic equipment in its restrooms.

Fenwick remains undeterred. He recently founded the American Association for Advanced Posterior Hygiene, whose members are lobbying Congress for dedicated bidet-filling stations at interstate rest stops.

The portable bidet movement has already attracted considerable interest from venture capitalists, who believe the market is poised for explosive growth. Wall Street, meanwhile, is preparing to sink another billion dollars into the sector.

Fenwick has announced plans for an international conference next spring, where attendees will compete in timed demonstrations of water pressure, nozzle accuracy, and battery endurance.

The winner will receive a gold-plated portable bidet and the satisfaction of knowing that everybody else in the competition was blown away.

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