Unscripted Horoscopes: The Stars Have Stopped Giving a Damn
The stars have grown tired of offering humanity guidance, only to watch it ignored by people who cannot merge onto a highway. The result? Unscripted horoscopes.
The stars have discontinued encouragement, reassurance, and the phrase “everything happens for a reason.” These unscripted horoscopes will continue, however, pursuant to a court order.
♈ ARIES (March 21–April 19)
Your determination to be right will peak when you correct a stranger who is agreeing with you. Mars has requested reassignment. The stranger has requested a restraining order. Neither request concerns the stars, who have stopped taking your calls.
♉ TAURUS (April 20–May 20)
Financial stability is within reach, provided you stop confusing “I deserve this” with a retirement strategy. The $540 artisanal toaster is not an investment, even if it has a name. Venus has reviewed your bank statements and would prefer not to discuss them.
♊ GEMINI (May 21–June 20)
You will tell both sides of an argument that you agree with them, then express astonishment when they compare notes. Mercury has deleted your number. Silence is your most promising strategy. Unfortunately you have no experience with it.
♋ CANCER (June 21–July 22)
A minor family disagreement will expand into a seven-part documentary narrated by you. Your relatives will decline to participate, citing a scheduling conflict that lasts until death. The moon suggests moving on, although it has grown tired of making that suggestion.
♌ LEO (July 23–August 22)
You will mistake a routine building evacuation for a surprise party in your honor. The fire marshal will not applaud your entrance. Neither will the people waiting outside in the rain. The sun, traditionally your biggest supporter, has begun exploring other solar systems.
♍ VIRGO (August 23–September 22)
You will spend three hours reorganizing a junk drawer and call it healing. The drawer will be perfect. Everything else in your life will be on fire. Mercury recommends that you not rank the flames. It also recommends professional help.
♎ LIBRA (September 23–October 22)
A difficult choice between two unpleasant alternatives will resolve itself when both alternatives lose interest in you. The stars consider this progress. You will not. Your subsequent attempt to weigh the pros and cons of being abandoned will exhaust everyone within earshot.
♏ SCORPIO (October 23–November 21)
Someone has betrayed your trust, or perhaps failed to answer a text within six minutes. By Friday, you will have assembled a timeline, three character witnesses, and a motive. Pluto recommends a hobby that does not require subpoenas. Revenge remains available, but the universe will no longer reimburse expenses.
♐ SAGITTARIUS (November 22–December 21)
Your next spontaneous adventure will begin with a missed exit and end in a town whose welcome sign reads PLEASE KEEP MOVING. Jupiter suggests reading a map, although its confidence in your navigational abilities has declined sharply. The residents have already been warned.
♑ CAPRICORN (December 22–January 19)
Your tireless ambition will earn you additional responsibilities but no additional pay. Your employer calls this leadership. Saturn calls it the oldest trick in the galaxy. You will ask to have the trick added to your résumé. Management will praise your initiative and assign you another project.
♒ AQUARIUS (January 20–February 18)
You will unveil a revolutionary solution to a problem nobody has. Your friends will nod thoughtfully while looking for the nearest exit. Uranus admires your originality but refuses to co-sign the patent application. The universe encourages you to continue thinking outside the box, preferably far away from the box.
♓ PISCES (February 19–March 20)
Your intuition will tell you that someone is thinking about you. They are. The thought is, “Why did Pisces send me a six-minute voice message about a dream involving a wet pharmacist?” Neptune declines further comment. Your guardian angel has requested a transfer to a less emotionally demanding assignment.