President Trump Offers to Save James Bond Movies
PALM BEACH, FL. Arguing that the James Bond movies “have wasted far too much time considering lesser candidates,” President Donald Trump offered to rescue the iconic spy series by stepping into the role of Agent 007.
Speaking at a press conference held beside a gold-plated speedboat inexplicably parked inside a ballroom, the president observed, “They’re talking to all these people. Nice people. Talented people. But can any of them negotiate? Can they make deals? Have they stopped eight wars? No. Bond is supposed to save the world. I’ve already been doing it. This would be the greatest casting idea anybody has ever had, maybe in the history of entertainment.”
Without naming specific actors, Trump questioned whether any candidate possessed the combination of leadership, masculinity, golf experience, and ballroom management skills required to portray the world’s most famous spy.
“One guy’s handsome. Another guy can run. Very impressive. But have any of them ever turned a hostile summit into a standing ovation? Have they ever convinced a dictator to compliment the drapes? That’s espionage.”
In Trump’s vision Bond would replace martinis with Shirley Temples because they are “strong-looking, patriotic, and contain cherries, which people love.”
His first film, You Only Lie Twice, opens with Bond emerging from the ocean in a tuxedo that reaches his knees while aides towel off the ocean. “Nobody has ever come out of water that dry,” Trump explained.
Studio executives initially viewed Trump’s proposal as an election-year publicity stunt. Concern grew, however, after they had received invitations to meet with officials from a newly formed federal agency, the Department of Cinematic Security.
Sources familiar with the meeting say Trump has suggested scripts in which Bond defeats international crime syndicates by renegotiating their contracts until they surrender voluntarily.
At press time Trump announced that Bond’s codename would change from 007 to “007.5, “because frankly the numbers are much higher than people think,” while three unidentified hedge fund managers worked around the clock drafting tariffs for SPECTRE.
Asked if he was at all intimidated by following into Bond’s footsteps, Trump replied, “Sean Connery was good. Roger Moore, very nice. Daniel Craig, tremendous guy. But none of them were me.”
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