Top Ten Things That Will Fall Now That Roe Has Fallen

The overthrow of Roe v. Wade, according to many in the chatterverse, signaled a trampling of all that’s good and holy that will make Sherman’s March to the Sea look like a highway adoption program.

Fauxcahontas Warren (Cherokee-MA) predicts the two-for-one fall of gay marriage and interracial marriage. Bette Midler calls for women to take a knee during the National Anthem. (Bars are probably playing it during happy hour already.)

Unsurprisingly, as fewer women seek abortion and as a majority of women identify as pro-life, those that defend abortion become more shrill, demanding, uncompromising, and unidentifiable as anyone you’d care to compromise in any position. 

A few inconvenient facts: in 1983, for every one hundred pregnancies that resulted in either a live birth or an abortion, the latter outcome occurred 30.4 percent of the time. This “abortion ratio” had risen roughly 60 percent, thanks to Roe, since 1973. From that 1984  peak through 2016, the abortion ratio fell roughly 40 percent, hitting a low of 18.3 in 2016 and, following a dead baby bounce, rising to 18.4 in 2017.

Never ones to let facts, inconvenient or otherwise, get in the way of a laugh, we chose to give chickens little their due by pretending that the fall of Roe would have consequences more dire than the disappearance of same-sex couples from the tops of wedding cakes. Accordingly, we present the top ten things that will go tits up when there aren’t as many places for pregnant women to go tits up any more.

10. The twelve-items-or-fewer line at the supermarket

9. At least eighty-nine of Facebook’s genders

8. Handicapped-parking spaces

7. Children’s freedom to be read to by drag queens and trannies in public/elementary school libraries

6. Affirmative action

5. Meatless Mondays

4. The WNBA

3. Voting without an ID

2. The View

1. Unisex bathrooms

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