St. Theneva, Patron Saint of Breast Reductions

The following iece is religious satire; no saints, bridges, or bosoms were harmed in the making of this miracle.

St. Theneva, Patron Saint of Breast Reductions, was a British princess who enjoyed the horizontal sports from an early age. Her fondness for frolic was something of an embarrassment to her father, Lord Seefeth, who was planning to invade England and sought the favor of God in that enterprise.

Discovering that Theneva had conceived out of wedlock, Seefeth ordered that she be thrown over a cliff, before God could find out.

Theneva landed unharmed at the bottom of the cliff–it is said that her remarkably generous bosom broke her fall and that, indeed, she bounced when she landed. Seefeth then ordered that Theneva be set adrift in a boat on the Firth of Forth.

“She’s up merde creek without a paddle for sure,” he declared, certain that his daughter would perish at sea. But God, who works in mysterious ways, kept her alive and provided her with an ermine cloak and a miraculous, though somewhat puzzling, breast reduction–considering that St. Theneva’s own proportions had just saved her life.

Theneva, who was able to see her feet for the first time since she was twelve, drifted to Culross, where she was sheltered by Saint Serf, a blind shepherd who played sacred music on the flute.

Theneva soon gave birth to Saint Kentigern, nicknamed Mungo (“darling”) by his foster-father Serf, who was tormented nightly by dreams of a radiant Theneva. Mungo later became the patron saint of one-hit wonders such as the group Mungo Jerry, whose seventies hit “In the Summertime” is virtually impossible to get out of your head once it gains a purchase there.

More than a century after St. Theneva had died, the Firth of Forth Bridge opened on the anniversary of her death, and it has opened every year on that date thereafter. Women with impressive statures wade into the water of the Firth, hoping for a miracle. They believe the bridge opening represents St. Theneva raising her arms to God. Local wags insist, however, that it is merely Ol’ Theneva kicking up her heels heavenward as she often did in her youth.