philmaggitti – Page 27 – postcards from the pug bus

Madonna, Oprah Give African Babies to Talk Show Audience

philmaggitti 472 Views 2 min read

CHICAGO – Audience members at the taping of The Oprah Show yesterday expected to see Madonna explain via satellite from London why she is right and everyone who criticizes her adoption of a thirteen-month-old Malawi child is wrong. They weren’t disappointed. They were surprised, however, when Oprah announced at the end of the taping that she was Read More

Religion

Windows Vista Offends Special Interest Groups

philmaggitti 443 Views 3 min read

ATLANTA – In addition to the usual security problems, the Microsoft corporation’s latest operating system, Windows Vista, has some patching to do with special interest groups. The groups’ complaints arose after the latest Vista pep rally, this one during a sales-staff meeting held in Atlanta on Monday. The meeting resembled an embarrassing high school assembly Read More

News

Mark Foley Enters Alcoholism Rehab; Gambling Rehab Next

philmaggitti 462 Views 2 min read

LAPLAND, Fla. – Mark Foley (R-FL) quietly slipped into a rehab facility for alcoholism treatment last weekend. In a statement read by his attorney, Mr. Foley said, “I strongly believe I am an alcoholic and have accepted the need for immediate treatment for alcoholism and other behavioral problems.” Mr. Foley, a 52-year-old bachelor who co-chaired Read More

Weed

Farm Aid Performers Stricken After Visiting Willie Nelson’s Bus

philmaggitti 474 Views 2 min read

CAMDEN, N.J. – Several Farm Aid performers exhibited symptoms of extreme dizziness and incoherence during the eleven-hour fund raising concert at the Tweeter Centre yesterday. At first concert promoters feared the worst, an outbreak of food poisoning from the organic food VIP tent. “That would have screwed the pooch big time,” said John Mellencamp, who Read More

Celebrities

Angelina Jolie, Brad Pitt Will Star in Mr. & Mrs. Beowulf

philmaggitti 405 Views 3 min read

LOS ANGELES – Hoping to squelch rumors that their relationship has hit the skid marks, and to capitalize on the success of Mr. & Mrs. Smith, Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt have agreed to star as Mr. & Mrs. Beowulf in the big-budget musical-thriller of the same name. Mr. & Mrs. Beowulf is adapted from Beowulf, the first musical Read More

Celebrities

Angelina Jolie, Brad Pitt Will Star in Mr. & Mrs. Beowulf

philmaggitti 438 Views 3 min read

News

New Sex Drug Stops Premature Ejaculation in Its Tracks

philmaggitti 477 Views 5 min read

ST. PAUL, Minn. – A report in the British medical journal The Lancet contains good news for men who suffer from the thrill of sexual excitement but the agony of premature ejaculation. In a study conducted at the University of Minnesota, a new drug called dapoxetine stoped premature ejaculation in its tracks. Dapoxetine is made from the Read More

News

Steve Irwin Crocodile Hunter Death Tops Stingray News

philmaggitti 466 Views 2 min read

BRISBANE, Australia – The death of Crocodile Hunter Steve Irwin has left the stingray world scrambling to effect damage control. Mr. Irwin, 44, died today after being stung by a bull ray on the Great Barrier Reef in northeastern Queensland state. He and several members of his film crew were stingray gigging. “We’re just devastated,” Read More

Religion

God at Wit’s End over Dispute between Israel and Hezbollah

philmaggitti 432 Views 2 min read

NEW YORK – The Lord God Almighty declared yesterday that He is “damn sick and tired of hearing about that whole mess between Israel and Hezbollah.” God made this revelation in a sternly worded e-mail delivered to the office of UN secretary-general, Kofi Annan. “I can appreciate the solace that religion brings to people who Read More

Sporting Life

Mark Wahlberg Unconvincing as Vince Papale

philmaggitti 396 Views 2 min read

PHILADELPHIA – The only time Invincible captures Vince Papale is when the credits start to roll and clips of the real Vince, with his dark, shaggy hair, swarthy complexion, killer teeth, and 50,000-megawatt Joe Namath smile, fill the screen. If you were in a hurry to get out of the theater, you missed it. Too bad. It Read More

Celebrities

Tom Cruise Demoted to Dwarf Object Status by IAU

philmaggitti 428 Views 2 min read

PRAGUE – The International Astronomical Union (IAU) adopted a resolution Thursday that effectively strips Tom Cruise of his status as a Hollywood planet. The controversial resolution was adopted after an initial proposal to add three new planets to the Hollywood solar system—Pamela Anderson, Mr. Cruise’ moon Jamie Fox, and the distant world known as Robert Read More

News

Ford Plans to Recall 24,000 SUV Drivers

philmaggitti 461 Views 3 min read

DETROIT – Concerned about the increasing rate of “irresponsible, negligent, and thoughtless behavior” exhibited by SUV drivers, not to mention escalating gasoline prices, Ford announced today that it is recalling 24,000 owners of its Ford Expedition and Lincoln Navigator series in the first of a planned schedule of recalls. “We have notified these persons by Read More

News

JonBenet Ramsey Suspect Confesses to Natalee Holloway Murder

philmaggitti 446 Views 3 min read

BANGKOK – John Mark Karr, who rocketed from shadowy insignificance to worldwide infamy on Wednesday by confessing to the murder of JonBenet Ramsey, has now fingered himself in the disappearance of Natalee Holloway. The forty-one-year-old school teacher made his second blockbuster confession in two days yesterday. “I was in love with Natalee Holloway,” said Mr. Read More

News

Suspect in JonBenet Ramsey Murder Case Says It Was Suicide

philmaggitti 438 Views 5 min read

BANGKOK – John Mark Karr, who was arrested in Bangkok yesterday for questioning about the murder of six-year-old American beauty queen JonBenet Ramsey, told police he was with Ms. Ramsey when she died nearly ten years ago, but her death was a suicide. Mr. Karr, 41, a former substitute teacher in California, had been under Read More

Celebrities

Britney Spears Still Believes Iraq Had WMDs

philmaggitti 420 Views 3 min read

MALIBU – Count Britney Spears among the growing number of Americans who believe Saddam Hussein possessed weapons of mass destruction as recently as 2003. According to a Harris Poll released July 21, half of all respondents—up from 36 percent last year—said they believed Mr. Hussein had WMDs when President Bush ordered the invasion of Iraq Read More