Tuesday, February 20, 2024

Tom Cruise Demoted to Dwarf Object Status by IAU

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PRAGUE – The International Astronomical Union (IAU) adopted a resolution Thursday that effectively strips Tom Cruise of his status as a Hollywood planet.

The controversial resolution was adopted after an initial proposal to add three new planets to the Hollywood solar system—Pamela Anderson, Mr. Cruise’ moon Jamie Fox, and the distant world known as Robert Downey, Jr.—had met with considerable opposition at the conference.

Following days of heated debate, the scientists adopted a revised definition of a planet—it must measure a minimum of 5’6″ without shoes—that resulted in Mr. Cruise being relegated to the secondary category “dwarf objects: actors with large craniums who are shorter than 5’6″.”

The need for a revised definition was necessary after advanced imaging technologies revealed that Mr. Cruise, like many Hollywood stars, had inflated his height in order to inflate his gravitational pull.

According to Robin Catchpole, HMFIC, of the Institute of Astronomy in Cambridge, England, “We began to suspect Mr. Cruise’ planetary status was undeserved when we read in the Journal of Astronomy that the Internet Movie Database had revised its listing for Mr. Cruise’ height from 5’11” to 5’7″.”

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When Mr. Cruise appeared at the London premier of War of the Worlds last year, one member of a team of researchers posing as journalists squirted Mr. Cruise in the face with water while another member of the research team snapped a radiographic image of Mr. Cruise’ shoes.

“That image revealed the presence of two-inch lifts in the heels,” said HMFIC Catchpole. “Obviously at 5’5″ Mr. Cruise could not be considered large enough to be categorized as a planet.”

HMFIC Catchpole explained that if Mr. Cruise had been allowed to retain his planetary status, the IAC would have had to accord the same status to Macauly Culkin, Emilio Estevez, and Al Pacino, all of whom stand 5’7″ and to Woody Allen and Bob Dylan, both of whom are 5’6″.

“Pretty soon,” laughed HMFIC Catchpole, “the Hollywood solar system would have been more crowded than Club Hyde on a Saturday night.”

In related news, Paula Wagner, Tom Cruise’ partner in Cruise/Wagner Productions, said the IAU’s “personal attack” on Mr. Cruise would not affect his career.

“We already have secured financing from two hedge funds that will enable us to develop our own solar system with Tom as its center.”    

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