philmaggitti – Page 30 – postcards from the pug bus

Demonstrators March in Rally for Immigrants’ Rights

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MEXICO CITY – Nearly three dozen illegal American immigrants took to the street in Mexico City yesterday to protest what they called “exploitation” at the hands of the Mexican government. Humming Bruce Springsteen’s “Born in the USA” and waving tiny Mexican and American flags, the well-dressed demonstrators said they deserve better treatment under the law Read More

Celebrities

Angelina Jolie Namibia Trip Is Normal Prebirth Behavior

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JOHANNESBURG – Angelina Jolie quit Paris for Namibia last week in the latest exhibition of what National Geographic calls pre-partum nesting behavior. Ms. Jolie, who is due to deliver a baby in mid-May, has been scurrying from one location to another recently as she attempts to find a safe, comfortable spot in which to birth her child. Read More

Religion

Jesus Entering Fewer Hearts This Year

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OPP, Ala. – Explaining that he was “tired of saying yes to every loser with his you-know-what in a wringer,” the Lord God Jesus Christ announced yesterday that he would enter fewer hearts this year. “Don’t write a check with your behavior that you can’t cash with your prayers,” warned Our Holy Redeemer, who spoke Read More

Celebrities

Tom Cruise Says Scientology to Market Bird Flu Vitamin

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LOS ANGELES – Scientologist-actor Tom Cruise announced yesterday that Vianetics, the newly formed Scientology vitamin research and development company, will begin marketing Vitamin TK “in the near future.” Vitamin TK, which is believed to be short for TomKat, has been proven in clinical trials to reverse the course of bird flu “in a nanosecond,” said Mr. Read More

Celebrities

Tom Cruise South Park Scientology Episode Outed Here

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NEW YORK – Tom Cruise, whom no one has ever accused of being self-deprecating, threw a tantrum when he learned that Comedy Central was planning to re-broadcast the infamous “Trapped in the Closet” episode of South Park on Wednesday March 15. According to Daily Variety, Mr. Cruise demanded the episode be pulled or else he would refuse to Read More

Celebrities

Sharon Stone Joins Naked News

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COOTER, Mo. – Sharon Stone is expected to visit the tiny southern Missouri hamlet of Cooter early next week to announce that she is joining the cast of Naked News. Not satisfied with appearing naked in the soon-to-be-released Basic Instinct 2, Ms. Stone sent an audition tape to Naked News last month. “We were intrigued by the tape, which Read More

Celebrities

Tony Soprano Victim of Dick Cheney-Style Hit

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NEW JERSEY – Mob boss Tony Soprano was the victim of a Dick Cheney-style hit on the season opener of The Sopranos last night. Mr. Soprano was shot once in the abdomen by his Uncle Junior, who mistook him for an intruder when he (Uncle Junior) came downstairs in his house and saw Mr. Soprano standing in Read More

Culture Politics

Republicans Riot over Brokeback Mountain Parody

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WASHINGTON, D.C. – A parody of the controversial movie Brokeback Mountain that depicts President George W. Bush and former lobbyist Jack Abramoff as lovers has ignited rioting and civil disobedience in Republican enclaves from Belle Isle to Grosse Pointe to Orange County. “This is the supreme insult,” sobbed Missy Caswellan as she banged her cocktail spoon on Read More

Music

George Michael Advert Pulled by American Express

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WEST CHESTER, Penna. – The George Michael advert that was scheduled to be included in the new American Express campaign has been pulled following Mr. Michael’s latest brush with the law. The advert appeared briefly on the company’s website early this morning. Thanks to the wonders of screen capture, Postcards from the Pug Bus is Read More

Celebrities Politics

George Bush Calls George Michael a Terrorist, George Clooney Objects

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WASHINGTON, D.C. – President George W. Bush wasted no time in reacting to pop star George Michael’s arrest on drug charges this weekend. Mr. Bush called Mr. Michael a terrorist for “aiding and abetting groups like al Queda by purchasing and consuming illegal drugs.” Mr. Michael was arrested yesterday morning at 1:50 a.m. after officers Read More

Sporting Life

Winter Olympics Will Eliminate Medals in 2010

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TORINO, Italy – In response to Olympic athletes’ proclaimed indifference to medals, an Olympic official told reporters following the women’s figure skating championship last night that certificates of participation would “more than likely” replace medals at the next Winter Olympics, which will be held in Vancouver in 2010. “After listening to athlete after athlete declare Read More

Celebrities

Charlotte Church’s Birthday Drinking Guide

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Charlotte Church, Great Britain’s answer to Courtney Love, is twenty years old today; and lucky her, she is getting the best birthday present any girl her age could hope for: her mum, Maria Church, 40, is being let off the tether for the day by the warden at the rehab clinic where she is being Read More

Celebrities

Britney Spears Obsessed with Princess Diana

philmaggitti 444 Views 4 min read

HOLLYWOOD – Britney Spears’ obsession with the late Princess Diana, which has worried the singer’s friends for some time, became public knowledge last week when Ms. Spears told People magazine, “The paparazzi killed Princess Di, and they’re fixin’ to kill me next.” According to a close friend, Ms. Spears’ obsession with Princess Diana began last summer when Read More

Sporting Life

Wayne Gretzky and Janet Jones Handicap the Oscars

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PHOENIX, Ariz. – Phoenix Coyotes coach Wayne Gretzky and his actress wife, Janet Jones, won’t permit a little bad press regarding their gambling habits to dampen their trademark sense of humor. They have decided to “damn the hockey pucks” and to honor a commitment they made to US Weekly last year to handicap the 2006 Oscar race. Read More

Sporting Life

Wayne Gretzky’s Wife Bet on Instant Replay

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TRENTON, N.J. – For Wayne Gretzky’s wife, Janet Jones, betting on a football game is “way tame, eh?” The part-time actress and full-time gambler not only bet $75,000 on this year’s Super Bowl but also wagered $5,000 on the pre-game coin toss, $10,000 on the over-under number of combined challenges utilized by Mike Holmgren and Read More