Charlotte Church’s Birthday Drinking Guide

Charlotte Church, Great Britain’s answer to Courtney Love, is twenty years old today; and lucky her, she is getting the best birthday present any girl her age could hope for: her mum, Maria Church, 40, is being let off the tether for the day by the warden at the rehab clinic where she is being treated for alcoholism and self-harm issues.

According to a friend of Ms. Church the younger, “She was terrified her mum wouldn’t be able to be there. Her mum is the life of the party.”

Charlotte Church is no stranger to the barroom floor herself, and the mind boggles at the fearful prospect of mother and daughter knocking back Cheeky Vimtos and dancing naked on the tables at Ms. Church’s million-dollar birthday bash, which is scheduled for today at a private location.

Reporters who have seen Ms. Church out on the lash marvel at her capacity for drink. They also marvel at her antics, which become more newsworthy the more vodka she consumes. One veteran reporter for The Sun, who has seen Ms. Church in her cups more times than he can count, put together the following drinking guide for his colleagues’ amusement. The numbers refer to the number of double vodkas Ms. Church has consumed.

1 – nips into ladies room, removes bra, splashes water on her top, then returns to the dance floor

2 – while dancing with a drink in one hand, pulls her top down with the other

3 – sings her “hit” single, “Crazy Chick,” gets some of the words wrong, replaces others with vulgarities

4 – falls while trying to climb onto a table to dance, breaks several glasses, lies on floor laughing hysterically

5 – buys a round for the entire bar, can’t find purse, calls the bartender a sheep shagger after he rings for the manager

6 – attempts to give lap dance to stranger, belches loudly during attempt

7 – sees ex-boyfriend on dance floor, punches him in the face

8 – after falling and trying unsuccessfully to stand, crawls across pub floor barking like a dog

9 – gets into girl fight with ex-boyfriend outside her flat, insults policemen who arrive to quell disturbance

10 – inside flat takes nude photo with cell phone and tries to e-mail photo to current boyfriend, sends photo to The Sun by mistake

In other news, Osama bin Laden has claimed responsibility for the freak accident that scared the [crap] out of Cameron Diaz.