philmaggitti – Page 34 – postcards from the pug bus

Newton-John’s Lover Found in Jennifer Aniston’s House

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MALIBU – Olivia Newton-John’s boyfriend, Patrick Kim McDermott, was found huddled under a blanket in Jennifer Aniston’s basement early this morning. McDermott, 48, who appeared to be healthy and unharmed, was discovered about 1:30 a.m. during a security sweep of the Friends star’s mansion by Malibu police. Aniston, 36, who is filming The Break Up Read More

Celebrities

Angelina Jolie Has Madonna with Child Syndrome

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HOLLYWOOD – Angelina Jolie’s habit of never leaving home without at least one child in her arms or strapped to her person has finally attracted the attention of the mental health community. Writing in the current issue of TV Guide, Dr. Phil McGraw observed that Jolie is clearly suffering from a chronic case of Madonna Read More

Celebrities

Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes Expecting Virgin Birth

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HOLLYWOOD- Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes are expecting their first Scientologist next spring. Given the public displays of tonsil hockey put on by Cruise, 43, and Holmes, 26, in the world’s major capitals earlier this year, their announcement is about as surprising as Courtney Love revealing that she has another date with the jumper cables Read More

Music

Rolling Stones Headlines Rich with Song Puns

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BOSTON – Newspaper writers following the Rolling Stones latest world tour opened their coverage of Saturday night’s kick off concert in Boston with a high-stepping, energetic selection of headlines based on the names of songs in the Stones catalog. Readers who had any fears that age had dulled the writers’ chops were reassured by headlines Read More

Celebrities

Madonna Recovering Accent after Riding Fall

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TOLLARD ROYAL – Lady Madonna Louise Ciccone is recovering her British accent “quite nicely, thank you,” said a spokeswoman for the American singer turned faux aristocrat. Lady Madonna temporarily lost her accent—in addition to cracking three ribs and breaking her collarbone and her hand—when she fell while riding on the 1,200-acre grounds of Ashcombe House, Read More

Politics

Bush Hails Iraqi Constitution’s Marriage Definition

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WASHINGTON, D.C. – The Bush administration put a positive spin on Iraqi lawmakers’ failure to agree on a draft charter of a new constitution by yesterday’s midnight deadline. President Bush, Secretary of Defense Donald H. Rumsfeld, and Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice all praised Iraqi lawmakers for including a statue defining marriage as the union Read More

Music

Rolling Stones Deny Other Songs About Bush

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NEW YORK – Mick Jagger told Interview magazine’s special correspondent Elton John that none of the songs on the Rolling Stones’ new album, “A Bigger Bang,” is about President George W. Bush. Jagger had previously denied in The Wall Street Journal that “Sweet Neo Con” from “A Bigger Bang” was aimed at the president, but increasing pressure from right-wing Read More

Culture

Johnny Depp Set for Hunter S. Thompson Sendoff

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ASPEN, Colo. – Johnny Depp will interrupt filming of the second through fifth sequels of Pirates of the Caribbean to read selected passages from Hunter S. Thompson’s 352-page suicide note at an invitation-only memorial service for the late author. Depp, currently starring as a Michael Jackson look-alike in Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, funded the construction of the Read More

Celebrities

Britney Spears Accused of Stalking Photographer

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LOS ANGELES – A photographer shot near the groin with a pellet gun while chatting with friends in Malibu Saturday night has brought criminal charges against Britney Spears. According to papers filed in a Los Angeles County court, Brad Diaz, 33, accused Spears of “willfully and repeatedly stalking the plaintiff, thereby causing him mental anguish, Read More

News

Jackson Jury Told the Aristocrats Joke

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NEW YORK – Eleanor Cook and Ray Hultman, two jurors who voted to acquit Michael Jackson of child molestation charges earlier this year, have admitted that while the members of the jury were supposed to be considering the merits of the charges against Jackson, they were making up versions of “The Aristocrats” joke instead. Widely Read More

Politics

President Bush Went AWOL from Boy Scouts, Democrats Charge

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WASHINGTON, D.C. – Democrats in Congress have called for an investigation into President George W. Bush’s Boy Scout service. Even as the president offered words of comfort Sunday to more than fifty thousand scouts at their national jamboree in Virginia, Senate minority leader Harry M. Reed of Nevada announced the formation of Swift Scouts for Read More

Celebrities

Paula Abdul Remains on American Idol for Now

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BEVERLY HILLS – An embattled Paula Abdul will still be in the judge’s seat, at least for the time being, when production begins in August on a new round of American Idol shows. Despite allegations of sexual improprieties—and conduct unbecoming a judge—with 2003 finalist Corey Clark, Abdul, 42, will be involved in American Idol when the first auditions for Read More

Sporting Life

O.J. Simpson Vows to Find Real DirecTV Pirate

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EL SEGUNDO – After being ordered by a Florida judge to pay DirecTV $25,000 in damages, plus attorneys’ fees, for stealing the satellite platform’s signal, O.J. Simpson vowed that he “wouldn’t rest” until he had found the “real signal thieves.” Despite Simpson’s pledge, a DirecTV representative claimed, “The evidence in this case was overwhelming.” According Read More

Celebrities

Jane Fonda Recruits Paris Hilton, Others for Campaign

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LOS ANGELES – Jane Fonda’s “Irate About Iraq” bus tour, a cross-country protest against the war in Iraq, is attracting celebrities faster than a Rachel Zoe fashion clinic. In the week since Fonda announced her plans to protest “this immoral war,” more than a dozen celebrities have said they’ll be on the bus, which is Read More

Celebrities

Brad Pitt Makes Scrutinized Public Appearance

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BEVERLY HILLS – Brad Pitt made a run-of-the-mill, buss-and-bolt appearance at the annual Hollywood Foreign Press Association luncheon Wednesday. Pitt’s reason for attending—to accept a $250,000 check on behalf of the Film Foundation Inc., which restores old movies—was hardly the stuff of mild interest, let alone major news. The media conspired, nevertheless, to treat the Read More