Postcards from The Pug Bus

Lifting a satirical leg on popular culture

Persons in the Ether

Question of the Week

Passion or stability?

MD

Mavis Drouk, emotional escrow officer

Believed to be near Harrisburg, PA

Stability. Passion is what people choose when they still believe a staircase can be made entirely of sparks. Stability may not sing outside your window, but it does remember where the insurance cards are.

RC

Rufus Clenn, freelance thunder consultant

Last reported west of Tulsa, OK

Passion, obviously. Stability is just boredom wearing shoes with arch support. I want life to arrive late, smell faintly of lightning, and explain nothing until several lamps have been broken.

NV

Nora Vell, deputy curator of small regrets

Possibly sheltering in Eugene, OR

Passion is useful for beginnings, stability for the paperwork afterward. I prefer both in moderation, which is another way of saying I would like to be ruined briefly and then driven home safely.

Celebrity Shockers

Madonna Recovering Accent after Riding Fall

21 years philmaggitti

TOLLARD ROYAL – Lady Madonna Louise Ciccone is recovering her British accent “quite nicely, thank you,” said a spokeswoman for the American singer turned faux aristocrat.

Lady Madonna temporarily lost her accent—in addition to cracking three ribs and breaking her collarbone and her hand—when she fell while riding on the 1,200-acre grounds of Ashcombe House, her country residence in the village of Tollard Royal on the Wiltshire-Dorset border. Lady Madonna, who turned forty-seven yesterday, was attempting to post the trot around a corner when her cell phone rang, causing her pony to break into a gallop.

Doctors feared the singer had suffered a concussion because she was cursing mightily in a lower-middle-class American accent when she arrived in hospital.

“Her accent and vocabulary choices were indicative of a concussion, which often causes a person to revert to type linguistically,” said Trevor Bidwell, MB BChir, in clipped upper-class tones.

Based on that diagnosis, Dr. Bidwell thought Lady Madonna should he held overnight for observation. When she was taken to a private suite usually reserved for members of the royal family, however, Lady Madonna exclaimed, “I’m right chuffed to be in such a posh setting.”

“We knew then we were out of the woods,” said Dr. Bidwell. “We decided that the best thing for Lady Madonna’s accent was bed rest and the two Bridget Jones movies.”

Lady Madonna acquired a British accent several years ago shortly after she had begun dating Guy Ritchie, director of the hit London gangster movie Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels. Although their movie collaboration Swept Away is considered one of the worst movies ever made, Lady Madonna’s British accent has been somewhat better received by her neighbors in Tollard Royal.

The preceding is satire. Straight up, Skippy. No warranties are expressed or implied. For life advice, try a professional. For investment tips, try a dart board. For salvation, the gentleman in the robe has been handling that portfolio for 2,000 years.

The Pug Bus Breaking News

The Pug Bus Breaking News requires no email address, no mother's maiden name, no first pet's nickname, and no DNA sample. You simply mash the link below and read.

Deliver It

⚡ Scholars at the Royal Institute for the Advancement of Obvious Things have concluded, after eleven years of exhaustive inquiry, that people who speak at great length in meetings do not thereby become more correct. The findings have been submitted to a committee for review.

⚡ It has been determined by authorities in several jurisdictions that the phrase "I just want to be honest with you" reliably precedes the portion of the conversation one would most prefer not to have. Legislation is pending.

⚡ The Bureau of Perpetual Reassessment has announced that this is not, in fact, the most divided the nation has ever been, a distinction that continues to belong to a prior era when the disagreements concerned rather more consequential matters and people occasionally died over them.

Adverse Effects

The following lines of prose cleverly arranged as poetry may induce brief clarity, misplaced certainty, and the sense that something has already been decided without your approval ...

By seventy you know which doors you walked past without opening,
can name the rooms you never entered,
hear the echoes anyway.

Read It All

By seventy you know which doors you walked past without opening,
can name the rooms you never entered,
hear the echoes anyway.

The years do not accuse.
They simply pile up like newspapers you meant to read,
each one carrying news that is no longer news.

You think: I should have said that differently.
I should have stayed. I should have gone.
The mind is efficient this way,
filing the same cases under the same wrong headings,
finding them again at 3 a.m. in perfect order.

What surprises is not the weight of it
but the patience —
how regret waits,
how it has nowhere else to be,
how it sits across from you at breakfast
and asks for nothing,
knowing you will offer it everything
on your own.

The body slows.
The catalog does not.
You carry the unlived lives
the way old houses carry
the smell of people who are gone —
not haunting exactly,
just present,
just there,
just refusing
the simple courtesy
of leaving.