Postcards from The Pug Bus

Lifting a satirical leg on popular culture

Persons in the Ether

Question of the Week

Heartbreaker or heartbroken?

GL

Gert Lampley, retired apology archivist

Currently avoiding Dayton, OH

Heartbroken. Heartbreak gives a person depth, posture problems, and one drawer full of things that should have been thrown away during the Clinton administration. Heartbreak is not pleasant, but at least it comes with receipts.

VC

Vance Cribble, certified exit strategist

Last seen near a bus station in Reno, NV

Heartbreaker. Not proudly, but efficiently. Some people end relationships with long talks and herbal tea. I prefer a clean emotional incision, followed by relocation and a new email address no one deserves.

SL

Shonda Leek, municipal tenderness inspector

Allegedly stationed outside Utica, NY

Both, obviously. First you break someone’s heart by being honest, then your own breaks because honesty turns out to be less freeing than advertised. Love is just a minor clerical error with candles.

Celebrity Shockers

Britney Spears’ Sons Not Bothered by Her Nudity, Drug Use

19 years Chip Hilton Britney Spears

A baby curiously touching a man's face while he lies on grass.

LOS ANGELES – Britney Spears’ sons have refuted claims that her using drugs and walking around naked all the time represent a danger to their well being–or an impediment to their continued growth and social development.

Speaking through an attorney, Sean Preston Spears, 2, and his brother, Jayden James Spears, 1, said their mother is “free, white, and twenty-one” and if people don’t like what she does in her own house, they can “stick it where the sun don’t shine.”

The boys’ declaration of support came shortly after Tony Barretto, who worked as Ms. Spears’ bodyguard for two months earlier this year, testified at a custody hearing that Ms. Spears did drugs and went naked in front of her children. Mr. Barretto, 28, also testified that he was fired simply because he didn’t hear Ms. Spears when she told him to pick up her hat.

“He’s a fat merde loser who smelled really gross and was always stealing our snacks,” said Sean Preston and Jayden James. The boys also accused Mr. Barretto of “spying” on their mother when she was “making potty.

In related news, Britney Spears’ attorney Laura Wasser was replaced by Mel Goldman of the Los Angeles law firm Freid and Goldman. Mr. Goldman refused to comment about the reason for the change, but a paralegal who works for Ms. Wasser said she was tired of pleading with Ms. Spears to wear clothes around the house.

If the public pratfalls of Hollywood’s overpaid, virtue-signaling drama llamas make your day as they make ours, check out these Celebrity Shockers – where meltdowns, mugshots, and micro-bikinis collide.

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The preceding is satire. Straight up, Skippy. No warranties are expressed or implied. For life advice, try a professional. For investment tips, try a dart board. For salvation, the gentleman in the robe has been handling that portfolio for 2,000 years.

The Pug Bus Breaking News

The Pug Bus Breaking News requires no email address, no mother's maiden name, no first pet's nickname, and no DNA sample. You simply mash the link below and read.

Deliver It

⚡ Scholars at the Royal Institute for the Advancement of Obvious Things have concluded, after eleven years of exhaustive inquiry, that people who speak at great length in meetings do not thereby become more correct. The findings have been submitted to a committee for review.

⚡ It has been determined by authorities in several jurisdictions that the phrase "I just want to be honest with you" reliably precedes the portion of the conversation one would most prefer not to have. Legislation is pending.

⚡ The Bureau of Perpetual Reassessment has announced that this is not, in fact, the most divided the nation has ever been, a distinction that continues to belong to a prior era when the disagreements concerned rather more consequential matters and people occasionally died over them.

Adverse Effects

The following lines of prose cleverly disguised as poetry may induce brief clarity, misplaced certainty, and the sense that something has already been decided without your approval.

There is a moment, just before sleep,
when the mind loosens its tie
and admits what it spent all day denying.

Read It All

There is a moment, just before sleep,
when the mind loosens its tie
and admits what it spent all day denying.

You remember the thing you said—
not the words,
but the angle of them,
how they leaned slightly wrong
and stayed there.

A life is not ruined in grand gestures.
It goes soft at the edges first.
Corners round off. Standards blur.
You start calling things “fine”
that would have once kept you awake.

Which is the problem.

Because now you do sleep.

Beautifully. Efficiently.
Like someone who has made a series of
very small, very reasonable surrenders
and arranged them into a pillow.