Monday, May 20, 2024

Brooke Shields Suffering from Postpartum Elation

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LOS ANGELES – After the birth of her daughter Rowan three years ago, Brooke Shields suffered a crippling case of postpartum depression, which she chronicled in her book Down Came the Rain. Her efforts to help other women with similar problems earned her a broadside from Scientologist Tom Cruise, who belittled her endorsement of psychiatry and antidepressants.

Last month Ms. Shields gave birth to another daughter. Fortunately there are no signs of postpartum depression this time around. Unfortunately, her lassitude and withdrawal have been replaced by the antic behavior characteristic of postpartum elation.

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At the Disco Fever to Erase MS, held last Friday at the Hyatt Regency Century Plaza, Ms. Shields turned up in a huge Afro wig, gigantic hoop earrings, and slapstick makeup. She was draped in a something from the Bed, Bath and Beyond collection, and she was carrying what looked like the sort of bag used to hide a bottle of screw top wine.

Her singular appearance (none of the other attendees were dressed that way) and her over-the-top behavior (she spoke in a cringingly bad imitation of hip-hop slang) offended many in attendance, who thought Ms. Shields was belittling African-Americans in general and Natalie Cole in particular. (Ms. Cole, one of the featured entertainers that night, is pictured below.)

“Brooke’s performance was the worst thing I’ve seen since Ted Danson appeared in blackface at a Friars Club roast in 1993,” said Tommy Hilfiger. “She owes a lot of people an apology.”

“She looked like she was on something,” added Paris Hilton. “Who is she, anyway?”

Television psychologist Dr. Phil McGraw, who has applied for a patent on the term postpartum elation, said Ms. Shields exhibited several of its principal symptoms: an unfounded naive optimism, inappropriate social behavior, and a tendency to mock the speech and behavior of others.

Elsewhere, Verizon Communications, hoping to counter the negative publicity it received for turning over millions of customer records to the government, is adding “Call Monitored” to the “Call Forwarding” and “Call Waiting” features in its “Freedom Package.”    

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