Daily Irregular Horoscopes for Friday, July 25, 2025
It has been said, far too often for sure, that the eyes are the windows of the soul; but if we’re honest, it’s our go-to strains that really spill the karmic beans about our inner selves. Whether we’re puffing for insight, inspiration, or just because we’ve forgotten what we were doing ten minutes ago, our favorite bud reveals who—or what—we were before this incarnation, and hence how we will fare going forward. Spoiler: Many people died weird. Disclaimer: Past performance is no guarantee of future prospects.
♌ Leo (7/23 ‑ 8/22): OG Kush – You were a medieval court jester with a self-destructive knack for annoying royalty. You were executed after telling.a fart joke in front of the king’s wife.
♍ Virgo (8/23 ‑ 9/22): Blue Dream – You were a lemur priest on a lost island continent, chanting incantations to the moon goddess and micro-dosing with fermented banana wine.
♎ Libra (9/23 ‑ 10/23): Sour Diesel – A rogue inventor in the 1800s, you tried to make steam-powered shoes. You succeeded, briefly. There’s still a crater named after you somewhere.
♏ Scorpio (10/24 ‑ 11/21): Granddaddy Purple – A retired Roman senator who spoke only in riddles and demanded grapes be peeled by hand. Your ghost still haunts bathhouses, complaining about the plumbing.
♐ Sagittarius (11/22 ‑ 12/21): White Widow – A poisonous Victorian society maven who disguised arsenic as sugar and hosted salons on Tuesdays. People feared you, loved you, and died stylishly.
♑ Capricorn (12/22 ‑ 1/19): Green Crack – In the 1970s, you were a roller disco stunt double with a death wish and a glow-in-the-dark jumpsuit. You believed gravity was a government lie.
♒ Aquarius (1/20 ‑ 2/18): Northern Lights – An ancient Norse astrologer who tried to predict Ragnarok using psychedelic moss and seal entrails. Technically accurate, but off by several millennia.
♓ Pisces (2/19 ‑ 3/20): AK-47 – A misunderstood Renaissance sculptor who only carved statues with detachable limbs. Executed for “art crimes,” but posthumously celebrated by surrealists.
♈ Aries (3/21 ‑ 4/19): Jack Herer – An Atlantean librarian who specialized in forbidden scrolls and erotic haikus. Your scroll on “tantric urban planning” is still banned in twelve dimensions.
♉ Taurus (4/20 ‑ 5/20): Purple Haze – You were once a 19th-century Bulgarian mystic who communicated exclusively in smoke rings. Your followers included sheep, nomads, and two minor archangels.
♊ Gemini (5/21 ‑ 6/21): Zkittlez – A hypercolor court alchemist in ancient Persia who tried to turn rainbows into currency. You succeeded, temporarily, then the economy collapsed in a beautiful hue spiral.
♋ Cancer (6/22 ‑ 7/22): Maui Wowie – You lived as a Polynesian sea witch who surfed volcanoes and taught turtles to beatbox. Locals still leave pineapples in your honor.
