Does Your Third Eye Need Glasses?

The Third Eye is the most neglected organ in the human body, which is saying something given how badly most people treat the pancreas.

According to centuries of spiritual tradition, the Third Eye is the seat of intuition, the lens through which a person perceives truths that the ordinary eyes cannot see. In practice, the Third Eye mostly allows you sense when someone at a dinner party is about to say something unbearable.

If your Third Eye has been underperforming—and only you can know if it has—the most likely explanation is that it needs glasses. Here is how to tell.

Locating the Third Eye

The Third Eye is located in the center of the forehead, roughly where a headband would sit if you were the kind of person who wore headbands. It is not a visible eye. Nor does it have any of the features that would make it useful at a cocktail party. It is more a sensing apparatus—a spiritual instrument that operates on frequencies that regular eyes cannot detect.

You can locate your Third Eye by closing your other two eyes and directing your attention to the space between and a little above your eyebrows. You will feel a faint warmth, or a subtle pressure, or nothing at all, which is the most common result.

What Is the Third Eye Good For?

On its best day, the Third Eye provides access to intuition—gut feelings elevated to the level of genuine perception. It is the organ through which mystics claim to see the future, read the energy of other people, and tap into a larger awareness of how the blockchain works. On other days, the Third Eye provides a vague sense that something is off, which you will then spend the next four hours unable to identify.

Signs That Your Third Eye Needs Glasses

Your hunches start arriving late. You try to sense the mood in a room, but everything reads as a vague, undifferentiated beige. You have prophetic dreams, but they are shot from a bad angle. You can feel other people’s emotions, but they always seem to be coming from one room over. You have started receiving what feel like spiritual transmissions—flashes of insight, moments of inexplicable knowing—but they cut out right before the useful part. The universe appears to be trying to tell you something. It keeps getting to the good part and then dissolving into static.

The Prognosis

There is, unfortunately, no optometrist for the Third Eye. Nobody makes corrective lenses for it. The warranty expired roughly four thousand years ago, somewhere in ancient India, and the paperwork was never filed properly.

What you can do is pay attention. Notice when the Third Eye is trying to transmit and give it the conditions under which it works best: quiet, stillness, the absence of anyone trying to sell you something. The third eye does not perform well under fluorescent lighting or in the presence of a sales associate asking if you need help finding anything.

The truth is that most people’s Third Eyes have been operating at reduced capacity for their entire lives, and nobody noticed, because the first two eyes were doing the heavy lifting. The Third Eye was back there the whole time, squinting in the dark, trying to make out the shape of something important, and nobody once thought to give it a pair of glasses. It deserves better. It has been trying very hard.

For more red-hot news dispatches, click here. You’ll be sorry you did.