Heart Healthy Horoscopes, 09/19

♈ Aries
Your impulsive energy could power a small carnival ride, but in today’s horoscopes it is powering a bad haircut idea. Sit on your hands before they book the appointment, or else you’ll end up looking like this fool.â¨

♉ Taurus
You crave comfort like a cow craves cud or an infant craves a nipple, but even you cannot justify a weighted blanket for your emotional support blender. 🥩

♊ Gemini
You will be accused of talking out of both sides of your mouth again. To be fair, both sides are equally unconvincing. 🎭

♋ Cancer
Watch the history channel. It is better to learn from our mistakes on television than it is to repeat them. Color outside the lines if you want. The wages of sin are tax-exempt. 🦀

♌ Leo
A stranger mistakes you for someone famous today. Sadly, it is Guy Fieri’s stunt double. Better luck tomorrow🔥

â™ Virgo
Beware imitations or you might put your faith in a zircon in the rough. Do not hide your light under a bushel, a breadbox is less translucent; besides, nobody looks for a light under a breadbox. 📋

♎ Libra
Unlike many Americans, you know the number of senators in congress; you can name at least one of yours; and you remember who the last vice president was. Your problem is, you cannot find your way to your garage without a map. âš–ï¸

â™ Scorpio
Your gemstone, the sapphire, has the power to cure ulcers, heal eye infections and kill venomous monsters. It also aids in interpreting oracles and signs. You will need it to figure out what the following message means: he who is lost, gathers no moss. ðŸ¦‚

â™ Sagittarius
You fire your arrows everywhere and call that optimism. Everyone else calls it property damage. ðŸ¹

♑ Capricorn
The points on your stars will soon need root canal. So will one of your molars on the lower left side. As the days grow shorter toward the winter solstice, your prospects will grow shorter, too. ðŸ”ï¸

â™’ Aquarius
Your ideas are ahead of their time, mostly because they are bad ideas that no one else has tried yet–or is ever lkely to try. 🌊

♓ Pisces
You will have a recurring dream in which you travel to a strange land where the temperature is always a prime number; but on the day you arrive, the thermometer will read 80 degrees ðŸŸ.

For additional horoscopes from hell, click here if you dare.