Take Away Horoscopes, No Utensils, 09/12
Welcome to today’s Take Away Horoscopes, where the stars are drunk, the planets are gossiping, and your emotions are riding shotgun, singing off-key. Never let your emotions drive if you can help it.
♈ Aries 🔸 You are the hero of your own story today, which is great because everyone else has quit reading. Try not to set anything on fire that you cannot outrun.
♉ Taurus 🔸 Your stubborn streak is showing again, like an untucked shirt. Embrace it, dig your heels in, and ignore the fact that everyone else left the argument three hours ago.
♊ Gemini 🔸 Two voices in your head argue about what to have for lunch. By dinner, you will still not have decided, and you will be hungry.
♋ Cancer 🔸 Your emotions are riding shotgun, drunk, and singing off-key. Lean into it. Cry at commercials, laugh at funerals, confuse everyone.
♌ Leo 🔸 You wake up ready to roar but end up meowing at the barista because she made eye contact. Do not worry. You will roar again, possibly at the cat.
♠Virgo 🔸 You alphabetize your regrets today. It takes all morning, but at least they look tidy.
♎ Libra 🔸 Your decision-making process today involves a dartboard, a coin flip, and the opinion of someone who definitely should not be consulted.
♠Scorpio 🔸 You are magnetic today, but mostly to weird situations and bad ideas. Enjoy the chaos; it matches your outfit.
♠Sagittarius 🔸 The horizon calls, and you answer, but accidentally butt-dial your boss. Nice save, traveler.
♑ Capricorn 🔸 You climb the ladder of success today and find it is leaning against the wrong building. Climb down and pretend you meant to do that.
♒ Aquarius 🔸 You have a genius idea today that could change the world. Too bad you will explain it to the wrong person, who will nod politely and then talk about her cat.
♓ Pisces 🔸 You float through the day like a serene jellyfish, stinging anyone who swims too close. Graceful, dangerous, slightly transparent.
For additional horoscopes from hell slide over to our cosmic archive and keep punishing yourself.