Tuesday, February 20, 2024

Keith Richards’ Holiday Horoscope        

The Crypt Keeper’s Grandfather

WEST CHESTER, Pa.—Born December 18, you share a birthday with Rolling Stones guitarist Keith Richards, who is 148 in Smirnoff years. Like Richards’, your life is one near-death experience after another punctuated by flashes of insight you cannot remember when you wake up. This holiday season is an excellent time to sooth out the wrinkles with an eggnog bath. You might also try to make peace with that co-worker you’ve been feuding with for so long.

Sagittarius (11/22 – 12/21): Sagittarius governs the kneecaps, elbows, and spaces between the toes. This may be why Sagittarians report more close encounters of the fourth kind than other people do. Unfortunately, Sagittarians are unable to describe these encounters coherently, especially Keith Richards, who has not spoken coherently since he was nearly electrocuted on stage in Sacramento, California, in 1965.

Capricorn (12/22 – 1/19): After a routine echo cardiogram detects a chorus of tinny voices inside you singing “What a Friend We Have in Jesus,” you become a fixture in the tabloids that menace the checkout lines in supermarkets. In no time your weight begins to increase exponentially because you’re condemned to haunting the drive-thru windows of fast food restaurants.

Aquarius (1/20 – 2/18): Because Aquarians are highly possessive and they mate for life, their ideal partners are other Aquarians. Matter of fact, their ideal partners are themselves. Monocratic unions eliminate worries about infidelity, forgotten anniversaries, and meddlesome in-laws. In addition, marrying yourself means never having to say, “I’d rather sleep alone tonight.”

Pisces (2/19 – 3/20): That fruitcake you’ve been saving since last Christmas may look appealing when the munchies strike, but many of the ingredients in fruitcake are dangerous to all carbon-based life forms. Be especially careful if the sell-by date is more than twenty years away. The cockroaches that will take over the universe after the inevitable nuclear war will have fruitcake crumbs in their fallout shelters.

Aries (3/21 – 4/19): A fine line separates “Behold your glorious future” and “I don’t know how to tell you this” on the Martha Stewart Quick-Meals-for-One Astrological Guide. When I spun the Demitasse of Wisdom on your behalf, it landed well over that line. In which direction? I don’t know how to tell you this …

Taurus (4/20 – 5/20): Your attempt to patent yourself meets with failure and ridicule when a panel of scientific experts declares there is nothing original about you. Before seeking prominence in the world, you should work on becoming a household word in your own house. Start tomorrow by wearing a name tag to breakfast.

Gemini (5/21 – 6/21): If you’re considering a career change, don’t be afraid to think outside the box; and don’t buy into the conventional notion that your sterile, mechanistic personality is a impediment to finding employment. You may be well-qualified, for example, to obtain a position in the newly emerging field of online digital-pet bereavement counseling.

Cancer (6/22 – 7/22): Troubled by crank phone calls you install caller ID, only to learn that the person phoning you at 3 a.m. and reciting obscene limericks in an electronically altered voice is your mother. You left her in a nursing home nine states away, but wait until you find out where she’s living.

Leo (7/23 – 8/22): Twenty-four hours in a sweat lodge and a three-day grape purge lead you to suspect that the label codes on the magazines to which you subscribe contain messages from Aztec time travelers. You are convinced of your theory when a representative from Astrologers’ Digest calls to tell you that “time is running out.”

Virgo (8/23 – 9/22): This is your golden age. It makes the rest of your life seem like cold grits. I would tell you how long this run is going to last, but I forgot to thaw the entrails this morning. Meanwhile, enjoy your incredible luck, heightened sensitivity to pleasure, and the large sum of money you’re about to inherit.

Libra (9/23 – 10/23): Car A leaves Seattle at 9:00 a.m. on Monday. Car B leaves Miami at the same moment. Car A, which has a 15-gallon gas tank and averages 19.6 miles per gallon, is driving east. Car B, which has a 17.5-gallon tank and averages 18.9 miles per gallon, is driving north. After three days what color is car B?

Scorpio (10/24 – 11/21): During the next fortnight your invisible friend, Timbar, is exceedingly playful. Don’t leave home without the special, wraparound, 3-D sunglasses that enable you to see him; and just to be safe, give crowded elevators and shopping malls a wide berth. Whatever you do, ignore any stock market advice he might give you.    

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