Local Man Tired of Living Inside Metaphors, Moves to Literal Gas Station

West Chester, PA. After years of housing himself in metaphorical constructs such as “being under the thumb,” “trapped in the cycle,” and “living in an emotional cul-de-sac, Arthur B.–a former adjunct professor of semiotics, and unsuccessful Etsy candle salesman–has relocated to a Sunoco station off Route 3, where the Wi-Fi is “decent”, and the chipmunks spell their names in spilled Funyuns.

“I was done using my trauma as interior design,” said Arthur, sipping lukewarm Mountain Dew from a commemorative cup labeled Customer of the Month – April 2017. “Turns out I don’t need metaphors. I need a flat surface, and four walls that don’t whisper ‘subtext.'”

Arthur’s living situation consists of the converted vacuum station (bedroom; north-facing); an ice cooler (pantry; half-stocked with expired convenience foods); and a motivational poster from 2013 (“Attitude Is Everything”) duct-taped to a broken Redbox.

Arthur’s neighbors include (1) a family of chipmunks who adopted him as their “bipedal mascot”; (2) a  man living in a nearby abandoned dumpster who claims to be a refrigerator magnet inventor but “only works in grief-based adhesives”; and (3) a  ghost named Cheryl who haunts the windshield squeegees with unsolicited career advice.

Arthur’s relocation has ignited a movement in the region. Other locals are abandoning metaphorical lifestyle descriptions in favor of more tactile existential stances. Tina M. now “feels seen” only when her Jeep’s hazard lights are on; Dean R. rebranded his depression as “mileage accumulation”; Arthur’s therapist now offers “literalization therapy,” which involves sitting inside industrial shelving and describing your childhood using plumbing metaphors.

Next Arthur plans to launch a blog called “Unallegorized Living.” There he will review gas station meals without irony and document his new hobby, “chasing authenticity into the third stall.”

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