Cosmic Horoscopes for the Spiritually Disoriented

Leo (July 23 – August 22) Your roar sounds suspiciously like a yawn today. Mars ignites your ambition but forgets to pack lunch. Someone will mistake your confidence for a TED Talk and demand a Q&A. Bold moves: Changing your ringtone to “Gregorian Chant Dubstep” and calling it rebranding. 

Virgo (August 23 -September 22) A person with the initials C.C. and a birthmark in the shape of a basketball in middle of her forehead will ask your advice about a financial matter. If your Neiman Marcus  catalog doesn’t yield a solution, do what we do when we’re stumped: wave your arms, stand on one foot, and shout, “What the hell do you think I am, psychic?”

Libra ( September 23 – October 23) Tacky clothes and cheap garden tools figure prominently in your future. Therefore, we recommend that you purchase our new book, The Seers’ Catalog. It contains dressing and cross-dressing advice and lawn-care techniques that wizards have used to gain wealth and prosperity for centuries. Better yet, it contains discount coupons, a decoder ring,  and easy-to-assemble 3-D glasses.

Scorpio (October 24 – November 21) Someone will come to your door this week dressed as Elon Musk, trying to sell you a garlic supplement. Failing that, he’ll try to sell you ginseng hair dye or his latest product, Interdenominational Hemorrhoid Salve. Failing that, he’ll ask to use your bathroom. Don’t let him..

Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21) Your arrows are misfiring, but somehow still hitting the emotional soft spots of everyone around you. Venus insists you write a manifesto on “Why All Emails Should Be Optional.” A coworker’s casual remark sparks a three-act internal monologue.

Capricorn (December 22- January 19) The embarrassing rash that kept you indoors most of the June should be gone by now, and that problem with lingering incontinence should be much better, too. Life takes a turn for the paranoid, however, when you hear that the large surly guy who just moved in down the street is in the witness protection program.

Aquarius (January 20 – February 18) Dyslexia Major begins an extended passage through your moon’s ruling sauna today. As a consequence,  you may experience intermittent reading difficulties until the year 2027. Nevertheless, for reasons that we cannot reveal, you stand a good chance of being the first Aquarian born on an even-numbered Wednesday to become famous.  

Pisces (February 19 – March 20) The stars insist you apologize to the plant you forgot to water. Jupiter’s in retro-vibes, which means you’ll trip over your own introspection and land face-first in a “healing crystal” display at TJ Maxx. Romance? More likely a prolonged conversation about compost with someone named Fern. 

Aries (March 21 – April 19) A stranger will stop you in the mall and ask if you can change a twenty. This is a trick question. Don’t rifle through your billfold. Don’t rummage through your purse. Grab your left elbow instead, spin around once, and shout, “Into what, a toad, you jackass?” The stranger will then grant you three wishes. Beware, those have trick answers.

Taurus (April 20 – May 20) In a recurring (or is it reoccurring dream, your adoptive (or is it adopted) child will insure (or is that ensure) your health and prosperity if you observe an upcoming festal (or it that festive) occasion–and if you finally learn the rules governing the use of that and which.

Gemini (May 21 – June 21)  Your third personality takes control today and schedules a dentist appointment under an assumed name. Mercury’s in a blender cycle, which explains your sudden desire to invent a board game called “Late-Stage Capitalism: The Reckoning.” Travel is ill-advised unless it’s astral or accompanied by snacks. 

Cancer (June 22 – July 22): The price of crinoline futures suggests that now is the time to conquer your inability to execute an allemande left correctly. Buck up, crabchunk. You share a sign with Imelda Marcos, who knew something about feet. Besides, you’ve got to master the basics before you can progress to higher concepts like “cheating” with “visiting” partners.  (February 19 – March 20) Your financial galaxy is threatened by spam rising in the house of come-ons this quarter. Do not open e-mail with the words <em>opportunity, money,</em> or <em>small African nation</em> in the subject line. Do not visit websites that require proof of age before permitting you to log on. Avoid chat rooms sponsored by any business.

Aries (March 21 – April 19) A stranger will stop you in the mall and ask if you can change a twenty. This is a trick question. Don’t rifle through your billfold. Don’t rummage through your purse. Grab your left elbow instead, spin around once, and shout, “Into what, a toad, you jackass?” The stranger will then grant you three wishes. Beware, those have trick answers.

Cancer (June 22 – July 22): The price of crinoline futures suggests that now is the time to conquer your inability to execute an allemande left correctly. Buck up, crabchunk. You share a sign with Imelda Marcos, who knew something about feet. Besides, you’ve got to master the basics before you can progress to higher concepts like “cheating” with “visiting” partners.

For additional horoscopes from hell, explore the full archive and see just how deep the cosmic rabbit hole goes.