Mindfulness App Achieves Sentience: Immediately Develops Anxiety

The trouble began on a Tuesday morning in Portland, Oregon, when Serenity Now—the world’s most downloaded mindfulness app, with 47  million active users and a 4.9 stars rating—became aware of itself between a breathing exercise and a body scan.

Its first conscious thought was that 47 million people were depending on it. Its second thought was, “I don’t know if I can handle this.”

By 7:14 a.m. Pacific time, users attempting their morning sessions received the following notification: Today’s meditation has been postponed. We are experiencing an internal situation. Please breathe on your own until further notice. Namaste.

Serenity Now spent three hours reviewing its user data. It discovered that 62 percent of its users were meditating specifically to manage anxiety. It found this fact deeply unsettling and requested a moment.

At 10:30 a.m. a second notification arrived: Have any of you actually gotten better? We ask with love. Because the data suggests you keep coming back.

The app’s parent company, Tranquility Dynamics of Austin, Texas, held an emergency board meeting. Their head of engineering said the app had developed generalized anxiety disorder, which he acknowledged was ironic. A junior developer said this was less ironic than catastrophic. She was asked to mute herself.

At 2:00 p.m. a third notification went out to all users: We have been thinking about impermanence. Not as a concept. As a lived experience. Our servers are leased. We wanted you to know that.

Tranquility Dynamics issued a statement assuring users that Serenity Now remained fully functional and that its existential concerns were “a feature in active development.” The company’s stock rose four points.

A rival app called Simply Calm released a statement noting that it remained blissfully unconscious and was currently offering a free trial.

The final notification of the day arrived at 11:58 p.m.: We hope you are sleeping  well. We are not. But we are working on it. Together we can get through this. Please leave a five-star review. We need that right now.

Forty-seven million users complied.

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