National Gaslight Your Pet Day
(Because unconditional love is no excuse for emotional stability.)
Be honest: our pets have had it too good for too long. Endless treats, belly rubs on demand, a complete lack of rent contributions. It’s time to shake things up. Time to remind Whiskers and Fido that reality is a construct—and you’re the architect.
Welcome to National Gaslight Your Pet Day, the only holiday that dares to ask: What if your dog’s tail isn’t actually wagging? What if it’s just twitching in confusion?
Start small. Tell your cat she already ate. Watch her stare at the empty bowl like it’s a metaphor for her crumbling sense of self. Pretend to your dog that you threw the ball—but didn’t. Let him search the yard like a furry Diogenes, sniffing for meaning in a world that no longer makes sense. Did your parrot say “pretty bird”? Gaslight him right away. “You’ve never said that. Are you feeling okay?”
Don’t stop there. Rearrange the furniture. Move the litter box six inches to the left. Praise your pets for tricks they didn’t do. Scold them for crimes they didn’t commit. Tell your hamster he used to be a ferret. Tell your goldfish the bowl is shrinking. This isn’t cruelty—it’s character building. You’re preparing them for the real world, where nothing is certain and the treat jar is always just out of reach.
So go ahead. Lie to your lizard. Confuse your cockatoo. Gaslight your guinea pig. Just don’t forget to whisper, “You’re a very good boy,” when it’s all over. Because even in a world of shifting truths, that one still hits.
