“I’ve got the whole world in my hands.”
In these postmodern times, where civility, not to mention consensus, is a battered artifact of the past, America needs a new vision, a singular, unified point of view.
Enter National Solipism Day, a celebration of self in an uncertain world, a holiday dedicated to the proposition that the one truly reliable perspective is your own. No need to concern yourself with external realities. Those are are simply the projections of your mind.
What Is Solipsism
For those unfamiliar with this philosophy (perhaps because they mistakenly believe otherpeople exist), solipsism asserts that one’s own mind is the only existence of which one can be certain. Everything else—the world, history, your asshole neighbor—is merely an elaborate hallucination conjured for your personal amusement or torment.
Why Is Solipsism So Appealing?
It’s efficient, Skippy. No more pointless debates about wokeness or immigration policy—your opinions reign supreme. Science? Social contracts? Morality? Mere figments swirling in the grand theater of your consciousness.
Solipsism is also deeply comforting. If everything is a mental projection, then you are never truly alone—your mind can simply invent company. That annoying coworker? A manifestation of your unresolved stress. The chaos of global politics? Well, that’s on you,.
The Benefits of Embracing Solipsism
- TotalControl: Finally, the world bends to your will—because the world is your will.
- Freedom from Responsibility: The greatest freedom. No need to feel guilty about anything, because no one else is real enough to be affected–or to do anything about it.
- Instant Enlightenment: Gurus? A dime a dozen, especially the ones with orange robes and funny names. Mindfulness? Now there’s an idea we can get behind–as long as ours is the only mind we recognize. Otherwise, never mind.
Why We Need Solipsism Now More Than Ever
Our country is beset by ideological battles, cultural clashes, and relentless news cycles that exhaust even the most resilient spirits. What better time to embrace solipsism? If external reality refuses to be coherent, whynotdiscarditentirely? Instead of engaging in fruitless discourse, simply declare your absolute sovereignty over the cosmos. Let the world’s problems dissolve into the soothing certainty of me, myself, andI (the solipsist’s pronouns, and yours if he can get it).
So, on this inaugural National Solipsism Day, take a moment to reflect—not on others but on yourself, the only verifiable being in existence. Light a candle. Raise a glass. Spark a phatty. Savor the knowledge that everything you cherish, despise, and vaguely tolerate is, in the end, a beautifully crafted illusion of yourown making.
