Sunday, May 19, 2024

Obestatin Found Lacking in Wal-Mart Shoppers

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PALO ALTO, Calif. – Scientists at Stanford University have discovered that two out of three Wal-Mart shoppers are deficient in obestatin, the so-called appetite-suppressing or obesity hormone that acts like a biological brake for another hormone that sparks hunger.

Coincidentally the hunger-sparking hormone, gorgestatin, was found to be present in abnormal amounts in the same sample of Wal-Mart shoppers. The study, which has a five to seven pound margin of error, was conducted by several teams of Stanford researchers who pretended to be doing market research about a new flavor of Dr. Pepper.

AMA Dropping Elitist Foreign Names for Phobias
American Medical Association board member Deter Camel, MD, MPH, FACOG, FACPM, HMFIC, ended weeks of speculation when he announced yesterday that the association will discontinue its practice of giving “elitist foreign names” to phobias. Camel made the announcement during his weekly radio address, which is broadcast live to AMA members in operating rooms throughout the United States.

“Let’s be real,” said Camel, “nobody can remember, much less spell, names like aibohphobia (fear of palindromes) or arachibutyrophobia (fear of peanut butter sticking to the roof of the mouth). Therefore, beginning with the announcement of the Top Ten New Phobias of 2005 on New Year’s Eve, the AMA will simply call a spade a spade—or fear of spades rather than negrophobia, if you will.”

Camel refused to entertain any questions regarding the make-up of the closely guarded new phobias list, but phobia watchers have already been talking about that list, which was leaked on i’m-ok-you’ for several days ago. According to that list, the top ten new phobias for 2005 are:

Fear of Dr. Phil
Fear of the angel at the top of the tree
Fear of 50 Cent
Fear of drivers whose heads aren’t visible
Fear of being glued to a toilet seat in a public restroom
Fear of Scooter Libby
Fear of Scientology
Fear of the Recording Institute of America Association
Fear of exploding cell phones
Fear of Anderson Cooper

Honorable mentions included: fear of drive-in movies, fear of cat food, fear of the garbage truck, fear of eBay, fear of ear wax, and fear of albinos.

Next Oprah: Michael Moore Leads Class Action Suit against Wal-Mart

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