President Bush Uses Paparazzi for Domestic Spying

Nearly one out of three respondents to the latest Postcards from the Pug Bus poll believe members of the paparazzi are engaged in domestic spying for President Bush. The poll, conducted between January 11 and 21, has a 3 percent margin of error.

The percentage of respondents who believed the paparazzi are part of the president’s clandestine spying program (32 percent) is technically lower than the percentage who believe the paparazzi are just trying to make a living (35 percent), but Pug Bus pollster, Louis Canter, points out that the poll’s margin of error, 3 percent, could possibly reverse that standing.

“By the same token,” said Mr.Canter, “there’s no way in hell the percentage of people who believe the paparazzi are better without the anchovies (15 percent), unfairly maligned (9 percent), or a 1950s doo-wop group (8 percent) could overtake the-just-trying-to-earn-
a-living vote. Therefore, I feel confident reporting that nearly one out of three people believe the paparazzi are domestic spies.”

Democrats were quick to assail the president for “running roughshod” over the rights of the celebrity community, traditionally a bastion of liberal thinking.

“The president’s request that the paparazzi give the justice department one million random photographs of A-list celebrities or one complete week’s worth of A-list images is the latest example of his using the power of his office against his potential enemies,” charged Senator Patrick Leahy (D-VT). “A vote for the confirmation of Samuel Alito is a vote for government intrusion into citizens’ private affairs.”

Civil rights leader Jesse Jackson accused the president of racial profiling.

“In fully two thirds of the photos in which large males are seen guarding or waiting on white celebrities, the large males in question are African American,” said Jackson. “Once again this administration—and by extension the lily-white Republican establishment—has demonstrated its bias against people of color.”

A spokesman for Lindsay Lohan denied that Ms. Lohan was guilty of bias.

“Lindsay employs large black males as personal assistants because they are better equipped to carry out their assignments,” the spokesman maintained.

Paris Hilton, however, said she would reserve judgment on the president until she had learned the names of the magazines in which the photos the president had requested were going to appear.

In other news, President Bush said in his weekly radio address yesterday that the number of deaths (two) in the latest West Virginia mining disaster proves that the mining industry has “vastly improved since the recent Sago disaster in which twelve miners died.”    

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