Reincarnation Stories: Ten Frightening Tales

Reincarnation stories do not always involve a grand upgrade. Often reincarnation is less a promotion and more a lateral move into a body that insists on wearing socks with sandals. If you are not careful about your karma, you might find yourself waking up as one of these ten unfortunate souls.

Barnaby Rutt, who believes that a neon yellow fanny pack is the apex of sartorial achievement. He pairs this nylon monstrosity even with a dress clothes and wonders why the head waiter looks at him with such profound sorrow. Barnaby is the reason that mirrors were invented, yet he refuses to use them for anything other than checking if there is spinach in his teeth.

Cynthia Loudermilk, who views any conversation as a solo performance with a willing audience. Cynthia is able to breathe through her ears so she never has to stop talking. If you attempt to mention your recent heart surgery, she will interrupt to describe, in suffocating detail, the time she thought she saw a celebrity at a dry cleaner.

Dudley Quaver, who has never met a decision he could not agonize over for three hours. Dudley will stand at a coffee shop counter, weighing the moral implications of an oat milk latte versus a soy cappuccino, while the line behind him stretches into the next zip code. He is a human anchor in the sea of progress.

We also want to avoid becoming Mildred Gnash, the professional victim of minor inconveniences. Mildred treats a slightly wilted lettuce leaf in her salad as a personal declaration of war from the universe. She spends her days writing strongly worded letters to companies that no longer exist and finds genuine joy in explaining why the weather is a conspiracy against her hairdo.

Alphonzo Litz, a man who thinks that more is always better, especially when it comes to gold-plated jewelry. He clanks when he walks and reflects enough sunlight to blind low-flying pilots. Alphonzo believes that his personality is located entirely within his collection of oversized rings, which makes it difficult for him to pick up a sandwich without causing structural damage.

Beulah Drake, who has decided that beige is not just a color, but a lifestyle. Her home, her car, and her soul are all the same exact shade. Beulah fears excitement the way a cat fears a vacuum cleaner. She once found a dollar on the sidewalk and had to lie down in a dark room for three days to recover from the adrenaline rush.

Reginald Short is the self-appointed expert on things that do not matter. He will follow you through a museum to correct your pronunciation of a painter who died in obscurity centuries ago. Reginald does not want to share knowledge; he wants to use his intellect as a blunt instrument to ensure that you feel like a functional illiterate.

Prudence Flite, the human equivalent of a vibrating pager. She cannot sit still for more than four seconds without leaping up to adjust a picture frame or to straighten your tie. To be around Prudence is to feel as though you are trapped in a room with an anxious hummingbird that has had far too much espresso.

Garrett Seale, who treats every meal like a competitive sport. He does not eat; he conquers. Garrett believes that chewing is a sign of weakness and that the best way to enjoy a fine wine is to drink it as if he were extinguishing a fire in his throat. He is often surprised that he is never invited back for dinner.

Finally, there is Hester Smythe, who is convinced  the world ended in 1974 and refuses to acknowledge any technology invented after the rotary phone. Hester views a microwave as a portal to hell and treats a smartphone like a live grenade. She spends her afternoons shouting at clouds and wondering why the FedEx man stopped coming.

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