Signs that Grocery Shopping Has Become a Competitive Sport

Grocery shopping was once a routine errand. People bought milk, bread, eggs, coffee, cereal, toilet paper, a pound of hamburger, something green for appearances, perhaps a melon, and returned home without having to demonstrate tactical superiority over strangers.

Those blessed days are gone. Now shopping requires stamina, strategy, mobile technology, and a willingness to defend one’s position near the dairy case.

The modern supermarket is a brightly lit arena where victory belongs to shoppers who understand surveillance, mobile technology, and the turning radius of a poorly maintained cart.

Self-checkout is one sign that grocery shopping has become a competitive sport. Customers scan their own groceries while a camera records their faces from six inches away, presumably because anyone buying store-brand oatmeal is considered a flight risk.

Then comes loyalty-app pricing. The orange juice costs $6.49 unless the shopper owns the store app, activates Thursday Citrus Rewards, scans a digital coupon, and surrenders enough personal information to qualify for a mortgage.

Cart positioning has become equally strategic. Raymond Kessler, 43, a  municipal purchasing agent who refuses to buy bananas in odd-numbered bunches, recently abandoned his shopping cart diagonally across the frozen-food aisle while comparing two bags of peas.

“I was only there a minute,” Kessler said. It was five minutes.

Condiments present another obstacle. Some gnome plants both feet in the center of the condiment aisle and studies seventeen varieties of mayonnaise as though Duke University has offered a scholarship for selecting the correct aioli base.

Meanwhile, stores routinely rearrange merchandise. Coffee moves to aisle nine. Crackers migrate toward pharmacy. Aluminum foil disappears completely, possibly entering witness protection.

Sometimes the determined shopper opts for a human cashier, who scans his  order and asks the traditional closing question: “Did you find everything you were looking for?”

No. But after forty-seven minutes, three app notifications, two cart collisions, and an unsuccessful reconnaissance mission for mustard, he at least  spies the exit. That counts as a win.

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