Silicon Valley Discovers Ancient Financial Concept Called “Debt,” Then Ruins It

In what industry experts are calling “impressively stupid even by tech standards,” major technology companies have collectively borrowed over $100 billion to construct cathedral-sized buildings where computers can teach themselves to write mediocre poetry and occasionally identify a photograph of a sandwich.

The financial innovation has left traditional economists baffled, primarily because it involves the radical notion of paying money back at some point in the future. This concept appears to have confused Silicon Valley executives who previously believed money simply materialized whenever someone said the word “disruption” three times in a mirror.

Meta recently structured a $27 billion arrangement so convoluted that even the people who designed it cannot explain where the money actually is. The deal involves something called a “special purpose vehicle,” which sounds like a submarine but is apparently just a way to make debt invisible to shareholders, much like how a toddler believes covering their eyes makes them invisible to bedtime.

According to sources familiar with the matter, Blue Owl Capital lends money to a mysterious entity that technically owns a data center, but Meta gets all the computing power while only sort of owning it, except when things go wrong, at which point Meta definitely owns it and will owe billions of dollars.

The truly inspired element involves tech companies lending money to other tech companies so those companies can buy products from the first tech companies, creating what economists call “a circle” and what everyone else calls “obviously not going to end well.” Nvidia reportedly gives money to OpenAI so OpenAI can afford to purchase Nvidia chips, which is roughly equivalent to a pizza parlor lending you money specifically to buy their pizza, then claiming this represents sustainable economic growth.

CoreWeave, a company that pivoted from cryptocurrency mining to data centers when the first bubble deflated, has structured deals where they pay OpenAI in stock, which OpenAI can then use to pay CoreWeave, which is either brilliant financial engineering or just two people exchanging Monopoly money while actual investors watch nervously from the sidelines.

At press time, Jensen Huang, CEO of Nvidia, was attempting to reassure investors by beginning his earnings call with “There has been a lot of talk about an AI bubble,” which is traditionally how one begins a sentence when there is definitely not a bubbl

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