Sunday, May 19, 2024

Sluggish Vista Users Will Be Patched by Microsoft

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REDMOND, Wash. – The Microsoft Corporation has responded swiftly to complaints from Windows Vista users who reported feeling sluggish after upgrading to the new operating system. Yesterday the Redmond giant released the first of six patches that will be distributed free to certified Vista users by Microsoft-validated physicians.

“The HOW starts now,” declared Microsoft co-founder Bill Gates. “Any computer user who believes he or she has been operating less efficiently after upgrading to Vista—or purchasing a new computer with Vista preinstalled—can receive a free patch from physicians who display the trusted Vista Capable shield in their offices.”

The Vista patch, code named Wronghorn, features an attractive new face, a slimmed down design, and a flexible profile reminiscent of the popular NicoDerm CQ ThinFlex patch, although Wronghorn doesn’t actually move with its wearer as the NicoDerm patch does.

“This is by far the most secure Windows patch Microsoft has ever issued,” said Mr. Gates. “Our philosophy, as always, is to make computing effortless so that people can have more time to devote to the rest of their lives.”

According to company policy, Microsoft refuses to discuss how its latest patch works, but some critics claim Wronghorn contains nothing more than low-grade ferrous sulfate (iron) that will provide anemic Vista users with a mild, temporary feeling of well being.

“Just as vitamins are no substitute for a healthy diet, the Wronghorn patch is no substitute for the major lifestyle changes in exercise and weight training required by Vista,” said one critic.

“What’s more, Microsoft is playing fast and lose with facts because even though the Wronghorn patch is free, Microsoft-validated physicians will charge a sliding consultation fee, based on the level of Vista a user had purchased, for providing the Wronghorn patch

In related news, a Microsoft official, speaking on condition of anonymity, warned that Vista users who attempt to self-medicate by returning to the Windows XP operating system are practicing foolish economy.

“Recent advances in the pricing structure of XP make it an unattractive option even when compared to the cost of a physician visit,” said the official.    

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