Keith Richards Snorted His Cat’s Ashes

NEW YORK – Rolling Stones rhythm guitarist Keith Richards angrily denied a report that he had snorted his late father’s ashes. During a chance meeting with Rolling Stone magazine’s AARP correspondent, Anthony D. Curtis, in the men’s room of a New York City nightclub, Mr. Richards called the report “a load of bollocks” and said was going to demand a retraction from NME, the magazine that had printed the report.

According to Mr. Richards, “Me and Ronnie (Ron Wood, the Rolling Stones other rhythm guitarist) was playing this drinking game after breakfast one afternoon. One person says a word and then the other person has three seconds to think of a word that begins with the last letter of the word the other person just said. If he can’t, he has to do a shot of Ketel. The first one to do ten shots loses, and he’s gotta snort anything the winner tells him to.

“One day Ronnie beats me—I couldn’t think of a bloody word that started with a k—and he said I had to snort the ashes of me cat, Graham. So after I ground some up in the coffee grinder, I did.

“I think I must have snorted bits of his jewels ’cause I’ve had this wicked desire to tinkle on the rug ever since.”

An editor at NME said the magazine would have no comment until a fact checker had had a chance to listen to the tape of Mr. Richard’s interview.

“You know, Keith don’t always enunciate clearly,” said the editor, “so it is possible that cat came out sounding like dad. There’s no doubt in our minds, though, that he did call Joss Stone ‘every twelve-year-old wanker’s dream.'”