Saturday, December 9, 2023
Saints Alive

St. Augustine Zhao Rong et al. Are Today’s Patron Saints

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WEST CHESTER, PA. – The First Universal Brotherhood of the Aggressive Atheist is pleased to join our Catholic brethren everywhere in ecumenical fellowship to salute the memory of St. Augustine Zhao Rong et al., 120 god-botherers ranging in age from nine to seventy-two, who died between 1648 and 1930 in China.

Most of these happy faces around the moon succumbed to food poisoning after eating fermented tofu, which Chinese Catholics use to seek spiritual ecstasy in their charismatic tongue-speaking rituals.

Unfortunately as they were all speaking in tongues at the time of their deaths, nobody could understand them when they asked, “Are you sure this tofu smells OK?” Others are thought to have died from eating undercooked cats. Too bad this group included only four Chinese diocesan priests.

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Augustine Zhao Rong, the HMFIC of this collective, was a Chinese solider. He accompanied Bishop John Gabriel Taurin Dufresse (aka Johnny le Pénis) of the Paris Foreign Mission Society when he was martyred in Beijing. Mr. Zhao Rong and the Rongettes were canonized at one giant clusterfuck in Rome on October 1, 2000.

Since their canonization, many miracles have been attributed to Augustine Zhao Rong. Patrons at three Chinese restaurants in the West Chester area (China Palace, China Delight, and China Pearl) have reported getting fortune-cookie messages from Mr. Zhao Rong, and several other patrons swore they weren’t hungry a half hour after eating Chinese food as they usually are.    

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