horoscopes

Leo (7/23 “‘ 8/22):The goddess Maytag, in harmonic convergence with the House of Proctor and Gamble, has designated the crock pot as your ruling symbol.… Read More

(📺Megyn Kelly vs. Rachel Maddow Horoscopes Edition–You are the battleground between controlled outrage and smirking analysis. One wants to cross-examine your soul. The other wants… Read More

[Today’s celestial influencers: Beyoncé (Divine Precision) vs. Lana Del Rey (Melancholy Drift) One demands excellence. The other sighs into a martini while the world burns.… Read More

(Brought to you by the Venus-Pluto Misalignment Horoscopes Hotline: “If it feels wrong, it probably is.”) Leo (July 23 – August 22) You mistake a… Read More

(🌌The stars are drunk, the planets are unionizing, and your destiny is written in disappearing ink on a napkin from Arby’s.) ♈ Aries (March 21… Read More

Moon in Don’t Even Ask, Sun in Just Let It Happen Your fate and horoscopes today are sponsored by expired breath mints and last year’s… Read More

(Horoscopees with 40% more hallucination.) ♈ Aries (March 21 – April 19)You will attempt to “alpha” a statue today. The statue will win. Stop yelling… Read More

Let’s be honest: birthday parties aren’t for celebrating life—they’re for testing the limits of your tolerance for social discomfort, cake-related drama, and “just one more… Read More