Inaccurate Pet Horoscopes for August 20, 2025
(🾠The stars are barking, meowing, hissing, shedding again, and not entirely house trained.)
🦠Leo Pet (July 23 – August 22) The number 7.3 looms large in your future. So do the politics of Taylor Swift and the song stylings of Adrian Dunbar. While striving to improve your balance by standing on two feet, you will realize that the secret of longevity is immobility. What goes around, wears out. Learn to adapt to any surroundings. Remember, wherever you hang yourself is home.
🢠Virgo Pet (August 23 – September 22) On an upcoming surprise trip to Bermuda, you will discover that money can, indeed, buy happiness. The trouble is, you don’t have that kind of money. The Bermuda gig was a supermarket giveaway your owners won. Don’t try to get rich by placing the right kinds of ads in newspapers. Send away instead for the Turn Your Psychic Abilities into Cash home study course. Then place the ads.
🎠Libra Pet (September 23 – October 22) Pluto, your guiding moon, is in traction; Sirius, the Dog Star, has been impounded; and a cross-dressing psychopath is masquerading as Lady Luck. You will hide in plain sight, plot an elaborate revenge against the vacuum cleaner, and eat something crunchy that wasn’t food. It tasted of secrets. You have no regrets.
🦎 Scorpio Pet (October 23 – November 21) Your owners will return from a vacation to Sun City, Arizona, convinced they were taken into a space ship while driving through the desert at night. They will also be convinced that dogs are aliens’ representatives on Earth. That’s good news if your owners thought the aliens were friendly. It’s time for a food taster otherwise.
🕠Sagittarius Pet (November 22 – December 21) This is your golden era. It will make the rest of your life seem like cold, congealed grits. I’d tell you how long this era’s going to last, but I forgot to thaw the entrails this morning. Whatever, you’re good until next week at least. Enjoy your incredible luck, heightened sensitivity to pleasure and the large sum of money you’re about to inherit.
🖠Capricorn Pet (December 22 – January 19) Internal strife creates static cling in your house. One of your owners believes the stars control our fates. The other says the crop circles in the back yard rule. Stay neutral in this debate, and don’t waste time worrying about that dream in which Elon Musk is hawking a new dog food made of garlic, ginseng. and divorce papers.
🦠Aquarius Pet (January 20 – February 18) The most common myth of Aquarius involves this pretty boy named Ganymede, who was kidnapped by Zeus and is sometimes cited for bringing rain to Earth. Makes you wonder what the Age of Aquarius was about. Still, that’s no reason to rain on anyone’s parade. Smile, mon, Bob Marley, a fellow Aquarian, loves you. Let Bob be your umbrella.
ðŸ Pisces Pet (February 19 – March 20) After undergoing a religious conversion and becoming members of a secret cabal, your owners will discover that your footprints on the kitchen floor contain the answer to the Great and Unresolved Mother of All Questions. After several other members of the cabal have the same vision, strangers will begin camping on your lawn and defiling your bushes.
🶠Aries Pet (March 21 – April 19) Today you attempt to dominate a laundry basket, a houseplant, and a confused Roomba. Two out of three submit. Your human will find “the incident” in the hallway and never fully recover from it emotionally.
🱠Taurus Pet (April 20 – May 20) You find a sunbeam, curl up in it, and fall deeply asleep. Empires rise and fall, the mail carrier comes and goes, but you remain. You are eternal and slightly dusty.
🹠Gemini Pet (May 21 – June 20) You dig a tunnel under the sofa cushions and discover a lost civilization made entirely of popcorn, spare change, and candy wrappers. You are crowned their king for seven minutes.
🰠Cancer Pet (June 21 – July 22) Because of a recurring dream involving a trampoline, french fries, and Mike Pence, your owner will start wearing a mask to bed. This could be significant if you sleep in the bedroom and your owner is forgetful. Keep your tail, if you have one, close to your body when you sleep. If you don’t have life insurance, Joe Namath can get you some, and you can never be turned down.
For additional horoscopes from hell, explore the full archive and see just how deep the cosmic rabbit hole goes.
Find Us Elsewhere
X (Twitter)