horoscopes

Aries (March 21 – April 19) Your future just texted me in all caps: “WHO LET ARIES DRIVE?” A mysterious gust of wind will lift… Read More

(🎭You are the ideological piñata suspended between performative outrage and performative virtue. One wants to burn the cathedral. The other wants to roast marshmallows in… Read More

(A celestial fever dream filtered through a cracked kaleidoscope and narrated by a disgruntled oracle with a ketamine addiction.) ♌ Leo (Jul 23–Aug 22) The… Read More

(Horoscopes combining aloof elegance vs unconditional chaos.) ♈ Aries (March 21 – April 19) You sprint into the day like it owes you something, knocking over… Read More

(A horoscope that serves as a pharmaceutical warning label, a surreal prophecy, and a cautionary tale for anyone who’s ever tried to astrally project while… Read More

🦠Leo (July 23 – August 22) You enter every room like it’s a red carpet event, even if it’s just the local Arby’s. The… Read More

(Dictated horoscopes by an unreliable oracle who may or may not be powered by expired batteries and Mercury in cowboy drag. Time is a flat… Read More

(“The stars incline, but with a little one-upmanship, you may bludgeon them into submission.” —Aquinas, or possibly Reginald at the Club) ♌ Leo (July 23… Read More