horoscopes

(Chaotic horoscopes from a universe that doesn’t remember your name.) Cancer (Jun 21 – Jul 22): You are feeling sensitive, which is perfect timing for… Read More

🌀(Warped, wary, and weird, just the way the cosmos likes it.) ♈ Aries (March 21–April 19) Today you will feel an inexplicable urge to alphabetize… Read More

(Once again we consult the cosmic crockpot and ladle out a steaming bowl of celestial nonsense horoscopes.) ♋ Cancer (June 21 – July 22) You… Read More

♋ Cancer (June 21 – July 22)Your tears taste like brine.Not from sadness, but the soupYou spilled on your lap. ♌ Leo (July 23 –… Read More

Because you deserve horoscopes more dynamic than your group chat. ♋ Cancer: Today you are glowing with potential and possibly alpha particles. Like Madame Curie,… Read More

Cancer (6/21 – 7/22): Your nurturing instinct is off the charts today. You will adopt a stray idea, feed it too much attention, and watch… Read More

The only stars we consult are washed-up former child actors. Cancer (June 21–July 22) Someone will call you “emotionally intense.” That’s code for “please stop… Read More

A Reverse Quantum Horoscope, wherein your future is determined by the mistakes made by dead people with whom you share a sign. Leo (7/23 –… Read More