Ten People Who Believe Taylor Swift Songs Are About Them

It requires a colossal kind of self-delusion to believe that an artist with 100 million followers wrote a tune specifically about you. Yet every time new Taylor Swift songs have been released, battalions of emotionally overclocked civilians rushed to declare, “That’s me!” as if they have spent years co-authoring her heartbreaks from their bedrooms. This is not fandom; it is a sad neurological condition with its own ZIP code. One can almost admire the audacity–it takes heroic narcissism to turn someone else’s art into your personal diary entry, but hey, that’s America’s truest love story: It’s me. I’m the problem. (Apologies to Morgan Wallen, who can sing way better than Taylor.)

10. Gary Witherspoon, 47, HVAC Technician, Scranton, PA – “You Belong with Me”
Gary insists Taylor wrote this one after they made eye contact through his truck windshield while he was fixing an air conditioner near an arena loading dock in 2009. He swears her “look of longing” was unmistakable. He keeps a framed still of the moment on his dashboard. His wife has stopped asking questions.

9. Marlene Fipps, 32, Middle School Librarian, Topeka, KS – “Love Story”
Marlene claims Taylor modeled Juliet after her (Marlene’s) senior prom trauma, when she had to sneak her date past the principal’s morality checkpoint. She mails handwritten letters to Taylor every Valentine’s Day “so she remembers the original balcony girl.” The letters always return unopened, perfumed, and covered in cat tracks.

8. Dennis Klemp, 61, Certified Public Accountant, Cedar Rapids, IA – “Bad Blood”
Dennis is convinced Taylor wrote this after he audited her 2014 tour receipts and found numerous examples of “creative math.” He never actually worked for her accountant’s office, but he did email her management spreadsheet advice. “She took it personally,” he says. “And musically.”

7. Trixie Danforth, 25, Influencer, Asheville, NC – “Mirrorball”
Trixie calls herself “the living embodiment of disco fragility.” She posts mirror selfies captioned ‘I make the whole place shimmer, babe.’ Her followers are 87% bots and 13% ex-boyfriends who agree she definitely inspired something.

6. Harold Crenshaw, 78, Retired Driving Instructor, Tulsa, OK – “Begin Again”
Harold heard the song once in a diner and felt “seen.” He says Taylor must have watched him eat pancakes alone that Tuesday morning and realized love can happen at any age, even if your pacemaker hums in 3/4 time. He now keeps syrup on the passenger seat, “just in case.”

5. Destiny Varga, 41, Dog Psychic, Sedona, AZ – “All Too Well (10 Minute Version)”
Destiny claims the scarf symbolizes her late Afghan hound, Cinnamon. She says Taylor channeled Cinnamon’s spirit through an “emotional portal” during Mercury retrograde. She has the ashes and a playlist to prove it.

4. Caleb “Stretch” Dubois, 22, Assistant Barista, Eugene, OR – “Exile”
Stretch is certain Taylor wrote this after he handed her an oat-milk latte “with tragic sincerity.” He describes himself as “the Bon Iver of espresso.” He has written six open letters on that crap site Medium about forgiveness and foam art.

3. Nancy Pritchard, 56, Substitute Teacher, Yonkers, NY – “Anti-Hero”
Nancy plays this song every morning before homeroom. She says Taylor captured her exact experience of grading essays about mitochondria while contemplating mortality. Her students call her “It’s Me, Miss Pritchard.” She calls it tenure armor.

2. Brock Tilden, 34, Real Estate Agent, Naples, FL – “Blank Space”
Brock claims Taylor met him “energetically” through Zillow. “She saw my profile, sensed the chaos, and wrote an anthem,” he explains. His Tinder bio simply reads: “Got a long list of ex-mortgages.”

1. Luanne “Lulu” Capshaw, 52, Psychic Hairdresser, Branson, MO – “Enchanted”
Lulu knows Taylor wrote it after Lulu cut her cousin’s hair in 2008. “Energy travels through follicles,” she says. “Taylor felt my scissors in her soul.” Lulu keeps a shrine of Pantene bottles and laminated lyric sheets in her salon’s break room. Every full moon, she whispers: “This night is sparkling.”

Let us be blunt: the only people who know Taylor Swift songs are about them are the poor souls who once shared a toothbrush cup with her–even for one night. The rest of the world is just cosplaying intimacy. Taylor’s creative process has a simple litmus test–if she has not dated you, you are background noise. Her unspoken motto could hang above every recording session: “If I ain’t loving on them, I am not writing about them.” Everyone else needs to get out of her lyrics and back into their lane.

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