Daily Duplicitous Horoscopes August 5, 2025

Leo (7/23 “‘ 8/22):The goddess Maytag, in harmonic convergence with the House of Proctor and Gamble, has designated the crock pot as your ruling symbol. Unfortunately, this symbol is associated not only with the pleasure of cooking for a family but also with the loneliness of the mechanized meal. In other words: Heads you win, tails you eat alone.

Virgo (8/23 “‘ 9/22): As an Earth sign, you are ruled by your intestines and nervous system. Among your colors, not surprisingly, are brown and bile”‘green. Your musical notes are L-flat and Z-sharp. Your lucky numbers are III, V, IX, XIII and XLIV. What’s all this add up to? LXXIV, of course. Beyond that, your guess is as good as mine.

Libra (9/23 “‘ 10/23): General Failure has trouble reading your hard drive. This causes Fatal Error to reset the gigabyte specification on your computer from the correct 1,073,741,824 bytes to 1,073.741824 bytes. Consequently, you can no longer download the censored photos from Our House magazine or the recipes from the Beef Jerky website.

Scorpio (10/24 “‘ 11/21): Today you are the Velcro Pup of Good Fortune. Happiness clings to you like pom-poms dangling from the rearview mirror of a purple Rolls Royce driven by a chauffeur in a pimp hat. Your lucky notes are everything within three octaves either side of middle C. Your lucky numbers range from I to M-squared.

Sagittarius (11/22 “‘ 12/21): You say everyone but your creditors and your parole officer forgot your birthday? Don’t let other people’s selfish preoccupations with their lives spoil the party. Send yourself an anonymous e-mail, agree to meet the sender for dinner, and don’t be shy about giving it up on the first date.

Capricorn (12/22 “‘ 1/19): Some people applaud our departures because they did not discover our true worth until we were leaving. In your case people  applaud because they are happy to see you go.   

Aquarius (1/20 “‘ 2/18): A rare but infrequent case of metal poisoning results in the cross-mutation of your zip code and your DNA. You hatch a plan to get rich by cloning yourself and sending a chain letter to all your other selves. To save postage you scrawl “Return to Sender” on the envelope.

Pisces (2/19 “‘ 3/20): You will enjoy several near-life experiences after fate reunites you with a favorite stuffed toy this week. Follow your heart, and don’t be self-conscious because the back of your dressing gown is open.

Aries (3/21 “‘ 4/19): Your discovery of the key to eternal happiness is tempered somewhat by the concomitant discovery that an incubus has changed the locks on all the doors in the Gilded Palace of Carnal Delights and Untold Riches. You grudgingly settle for a Motel 6 with free HBO and local calls.

Taurus (4/20 “‘ 5/20): Because Taurans are highly possessive, adore their own company, and mate for life, you begin a campaign to have self-sex marriages legalized. Your slogan, “Be part of the problem and part of the solution at the same time,” is clever, but your campaign falters when you’re caught making an unauthorized deposit at a sperm bank.

Gemini (5/21 “‘ 6/21): When you apply for a patent on a drinking game involving a cucumber, a French-to-English dictionary, and an atomic clock, you run afoul of a local sheriff with political ambitions who calls the game obscene. You have two options: foreign distribution or losing the French, adding pork rinds, and naming the game after the sheriff.

Cancer (6/22 “‘ 7/22): A retired CIA operative named Beano and a drag queen wearing six-inch spikes and a feather boa who calls himself Chuck E. Cheese figure prominently in your forecast. Their capacity for wreaking havoc with your financial plans is staggering. How did it come to this? Was it your obsession with secrecy or your fondness for illicit toppings that brought you to this star-crossed juncture?

For additional horoscopes from hell, explore the full archive and see just how deep the cosmic rabbit hole goes.