Your Daily Irregular Horoscopes — July 17, 2025
Aries (March 21–April 19): Today you will discover a long-lost talent for making others deeply uncomfortable at social events. Lean in. Ruin a dinner toast. Call it authenticity.
Taurus (April 20–May 20): Your stubbornness pays off when you refuse to evacuate a building everyone else thought was on fire. You know it was just your ego combusting.
Gemini (May 21–June 20): You will have a passionate argument with your reflection. You will lose. The mirror knows what you did last week.
Cancer (June 21–July 22): The stars suggest you stay in bed. The stars are cowards. Get up anyway and do something reckless, like grocery shopping without a list.
Leo (July 23–August 22): You will be the center of attention, just as you planned. Unfortunately, it’s at a town hall meeting about an unidentified smell.
Virgo (August 23–September 22): Someone will admire your precision today. Then they’ll borrow your pens and never return them. This is the beginning of your villain origin story.
Libra (September 23–October 22): Balance is overrated. Today, trying to reach a free sample, you knock over a decorative fountain You call it performance art. No one agrees.
Scorpio (October 23–November 21): You are magnetic today— to bad ideas, expired yogurt, and people who think “vibes” count as currency.
Sagittarius (November 22–December 21): You will have a vision. It will involve cheese, vengeance, and a kazoo. Do not misunderstand it and start a podcast.
Capricorn (December 22–January 19): Productivity peaks today. You will alphabetize your regrets. “Assuming they’d change” goes right between “Buying that NFT” and “Cursing a mime ironically.”
Aquarius (January 20–February 18): You try something “experimental” today. It ends in glitter, bruises, and a restraining order from the Renaissance Faire. Again.
Pisces (February 19–March 20): You feel spiritually in tune with the universe today. Unfortunately, the universe is going through its emo phase.
