Runaway Bride Toast Reported Missing; Authorities Baffled

STILLWATER, N.J. — A slice of Wonder Bread etched with the likeness of runaway bride Jennifer Wilbanks is missing under mysterious, possibly crumby circumstances. Its creator and caretaker, 48-year-old hobby artist Perry Lonzello, made a panicked 911 call late last night after discovering the toast’s storage container open and empty.

“She’s gone! My toast is gone!” Lonzello told the operator.
The dispatcher, maintaining admirable composure, asked whether the toast might simply be “avoiding commitment.”

Lonzello insists the slice had been safely placed inside a vented plastic container on top of his dresser before he went to sleep. Several hours later, he awoke to find the lid on the floor and the toast nowhere in sight. He noted that none of the toast’s “personal items” — a novelty coaster and a commemorative napkin — were missing.

Police responding to the call questioned Lonzello at headquarters. While they declined to name him a suspect, they did confirm noticing “suspicious crumbs in the general vicinity.” No charges were filed.

The runaway toast achieved minor fame after Lonzello listed it on eBay, where its uncanny resemblance to the real-life Wilbanks drew interest from collectors specializing in eclectic pop-culture artifacts. When the auction closed last Sunday at $15,400, a California doctor won the bidding — only to back out, claiming he’d been “caught up in the excitement.”

He later accused Lonzello of failing to disclose that the toast had been linked to several minor domestic disappearances around the house. Lonzello denied all allegations, calling them “wild speculation from someone who clearly doesn’t understand toast.”

He admitted, however, that the slice had seemed “a little stressed” about moving cross-country and being recognized online.

“Fame is complicated,” Lonzello said. “She never fully embraced her status. But I can’t imagine her just… leaving. Something happened. I can feel it.”

In related news, Wonder Bread has offered a year’s supply of bread and rolls to anyone who provides information leading to the safe return of the missing slice.