Dueling Banjos Horoscopes for August 2, 2025

(Brought to you by the Venus-Pluto Misalignment Horoscopes Hotline: “If it feels wrong, it probably is.”)

Leo (July 23 – August 22) You mistake a power struggle for foreplay and end up emotionally bankrupt but spiritually under-dressed. Venus offers a mirror; Pluto offers a trapdoor. Your lucky accessory is a crown made of unresolved issues.

Virgo (August 23 – September 22) You attempt to spreadsheet your feelings. Venus corrupts the file, Pluto adds a column labeled “betrayal.” Your lucky scent is burnt sage and passive aggression.

Libra (September 23 – October 22) You’re caught between two lovers, both of whom are figments of your imagination. Venus encourages roleplay; Pluto demands a custody battle. Your lucky object is a scale that only weighs guilt.

Scorpio (October 23 – November 21) You text “I miss you” to someone you haven’t met yet. Venus swoons, Pluto subpoenas your heart. Your lucky emotion is erotic dread.

Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21) You ghost someone mid-date because they mispronounced “Nietzsche.” Venus says “forgive,” Pluto says “block and report.” Your lucky destination is a silent retreat run by your ex’s rebound.

Capricorn (December 22 – January 19) You attempt to monetize your heartbreak via a subscription newsletter. Venus wants poetry; Pluto wants receipts. Your lucky investment is emotional real estate in a flood zone.

Aquarius (January 20 – February 18) You fall for someone who only communicates via cryptic playlists. Venus hums along; Pluto demands a remix of your soul. Your lucky genre is existential synthwave.

Pisces (February 19 – March 20) You mistake a cult for a cuddle puddle. Venus offers compassion; Pluto offers matching robes and a mop. Your lucky mantra is “I consent, but I’m confused.”

Aries (March 21 – April 19) You mistake intensity for intimacy and spend the afternoon decoding a text  simply signed “k.” Venus whispers “go deeper,” Pluto growls “dig your own grave.” Your lucky emotion is resentful tenderness.

Taurus (April 20 – May 20) You attempt to seduce someone using artisanal cheese and a PowerPoint about your emotional availability. Pluto hacks your slideshow to prevent you. Venus applauds your commitment to dairy. Your lucky phrase is “I’m not controlling, I’m curating.”

Gemini (May 21 – June 20) You fall in love with a podcast host who doesn’t know you exist. Venus encourages parasocial bonding; Pluto demands a blood pact. Your lucky beverage is lukewarm kombucha you forgot was open.

Cancer (June 21 – July 22) You write a love letter in crayon and mail it to your therapist. Venus says “vulnerability is brave,” Pluto says “look out for a subpoena.” Your lucky number is the number of unread texts from your ex.

For additional horoscopes from hell, explore the full archive and see just how deep the cosmic rabbit hole goes.