June 2005 – postcards from the pug bus

Being Bobby Brown Hits Home

Chip Hilton 475 Views 3 min read

WEST CHESTER, Penna. – “Being Bobby Brown Houston,” which premiers tonight on the Bravo channel, is a bold, unsparing attempt to deconstruct the myth of celebrity; and judging from the back-to-back episodes, sandwiched proudly like a pair of silicon-augmented breasts between 10:00 and 11:00 this evening, the effort is a resounding, cup-runneth-over success. Indeed, if Read More

Music

Starbucks to Release Rare Dylan Flavor

philmaggitti 416 Views 2 min read

SEATTLE – Starbucks announced yesterday that it will release a new coffee flavor, Gaslight, on August 30. Named after the cafe where Bob Dylan was a regular more than forty years ago, Gaslight is a young but gifted brew made from a selection of the highest quality Arabica beans grown on a huge estate in Read More

Religion

Pope John Paul II on Fast Track for Sainthood

Biff Scuzzy 481 Views 4 min read

ROME – Catholics campaigning to have the late Pope John Paul II declared a saint in record time should welcome two reports of miracles alleged to have occurred at the pontiff’s tomb. A woman from Turin who couldn’t find her car keys took the train to Rome to view the pope’s tomb yesterday. While she Read More

Religion

Court Division on Ten Commandments Seen as Good

philmaggitti 417 Views 3 min read

WASHINGTON, D.C. – The Supreme Court decision regarding the placement of the Ten Commandments in courtrooms and public buildings is expected to give a boost to sales of the boxed-set, leather-bound collectors’ edition of the Ten Commandments, which will hit stores early next week. This collectors’ edition ships complete with an illustrated, twenty-six-page, large-print booklet Read More

Celebrities

Paula Abdul Joins Live 8 Clean Nail Crusade

Chip Hilton 417 Views 2 min read

LOS ANGELES – American Idol judge Paula Abdul has agreed to co-host the Live 8 broadcast from Philadelphia this weekend. Although Abdul had originally declined to participate in Live 8 because of “a pre-existing vacation commitment,” the former dancer decided to get involved when she learned that nail salons in Africa are not governed by Read More

Religion

Ten Commandments Decision On Record

Biff Scuzzy 472 Views 3 min read

OPP, Alabama – A boxed-set, leather-bound collectors edition of the Ten Commandments, complete with an illustrated, twenty-six-page, large-print booklet containing an accurate facsimile of God’s original outline and recording notes, will hit record stores early next week. The spoken word CD, which also contains divinely inspired B-sides and studio outtakes, is being released by Almighty Read More

Celebrities

Charlotte Church Sobriety Checklist

Chip Hilton 431 Views 3 min read

CARDIFF – Charlotte Church, Wales’ answer to Courtney Love, earned $27 million as a child prodigy singing operatic and classical tunes. Since getting her hands on that money when she turned eighteen last year, Church has spent roughly half of it on booze. The Voice of an Angel singer has been a fixture at clubs—a Read More

Celebrities

Tom Cruise Gets His Own Psychiatric Syndrome

Chip Hilton 515 Views 4 min read

WASHINGTON, D.C. – The American Psychiatric Association (APA) announced today that Tom Cruise Syndrome—illustrated by a photo of Cruise dancing on Oprah Winfrey’s couch—will be added to the next edition of the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSMMD). This 943-page stroll through the back alleys, dead ends, and cul-de-sacs of the mind describes the various Read More

Celebrities

Oprah Winfrey Ruse Didn’t Fool Hermes

Biff Scuzzy 461 Views 3 min read

PARIS – Rumors about Oprah Winfrey’s shoplifting habits resurfaced after the talk show host and her posse had been turned away from a Hermes shop in Paris last week. Winfrey and company arrived at the Hermes store roughly fifteen minutes after its 6:30 p.m. closing. When Winfrey asked if she could nip in for a Read More

News

Courtney Love Chief Suspect in Pamela Anderson Robbery

Chip Hilton 432 Views 3 min read

LOS ANGELES – Sources close to the investigation of a recent break-in at Pamela Anderson’s house say Courtney Love is their chief suspect in the case. An unknown individual broke into Anderson’s house, rifled through her underwear drawer, then looted her Amana Upright Freezer. “We were puzzled by the perp’s M.O. at first,” said the Read More

Celebrities

Free Katie Holmes Movement Gathers President Bush Endorsement

Chip Hilton 403 Views 4 min read

WASHINGTON – President George W. Bush has added his voice to the growing chorus demanding an investigation into the whereabouts of actress Katie Holmes. Like an increasing number of Americans, President Bush has come to doubt that the actress—or actresses—who have been joined at the hip with Tom Cruise at movie premiers around the world Read More

Blog

Chapter 2: The Antimother

philmaggitti 568 Views 10 min read

I wouldn’t be writing this book if my wife Mary Ann had not decided that our first pug, Percy, needed another dog for companionship. The chief element of canine companionship, of course, is mutual butt sniffing, and our six cats were of no value to Percy in that regard. Cats would not be caught dead Read More

News

Cruise, DiCaprio Attacks Spur Hate Crime Legislation

Chip Hilton 420 Views 2 min read

SACRAMENTO, Calif. – The recent attacks on Tom Cruise and Leonardo DiCaprio have inspired California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger to ask the state legislature to pass a law that would make attacks on movie stars a hate crime. “We cannot stand by while our best and our brightest are sitting targets for the most sick, destructive Read More

Politics

President Bush Again Denies John Bolton is the Antichrist

philmaggitti 426 Views 4 min read

WASHINGTON – President George W. Bush was forced to deny again yesterday that John Bolton, his Mephistophelean nominee for ambassador to the United Nations, is, in fact, the Antichrist. “Mr. Bolton’s mustache may intimidate women and frighten children,” Bush said in a prepared statement, “but that does not make him the Antichrist. I can insure Read More

News

Tom Cruise Squirted by Harry Potter Fan

Chip Hilton 458 Views 3 min read

LONDON – Scientologist Tom Cruise was “attacked” last night by a Harry Potter fan wielding a water pistol disguised as a microphone. The attack occurred as Cruise was talking to some of the five thousand fans who had packed Leicester Square for the star-studded premiere of “War of the Worlds” in which Cruise appears. Cruise Read More

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