Monday, April 29, 2024
News

Cruise, DiCaprio Attacks Spur Hate Crime Legislation

an image

SACRAMENTO, Calif. – The recent attacks on Tom Cruise and Leonardo DiCaprio have inspired California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger to ask the state legislature to pass a law that would make attacks on movie stars a hate crime.

“We cannot stand by while our best and our brightest are sitting targets for the most sick, destructive elements of our society,” said The Governator. “Therefore, I am asking the legislators to put aside partisan differences and send me a hate crime bill I can sign.”

Cruise and DiCaprio were the subjects of violent attacks over the weekend. Cruise was maliciously sprayed with a water pistol wielded by a Harry Potter fan at the premier of “War of the Worlds” in London. Narrowly escaping serious damage to his dignity, Cruise was forced to interrupt his soliloquy on marriage to towel off his face and hair. He was not the same eloquent speaker after the attack.

DiCaprio was blind-sided by a deranged animal rights activist brandishing a beer bottle at a private party in the Hollywood Hills. The attacker opened a twelve-stitch gash over DiCaprio’s ear.

“These attacks are unacceptable,” declared Schwarzenegger. “Too many film stars are exposed to harm because people hate them for who they are.”

Schwarzenegger told reporters he hoped the California legislature would make it a hate crime to inflict physical harm or embarrassment on any celebrity who makes more than $1 million per picture and who maintains a California residence or has an agent based in California or has worked in California for three consecutive days at some point during the last five years. The Governator also said he hoped the pending legislation would require that suits brought by any actor meeting these qualifications be tried in California no matter where he or she was attacked.

Schwarzenegger was not precise about the punishments meted out for celebrity hate crimes, but he hinted that “termination certainly ought to be an option.”

In related news, the Screen Actors Guild announced it was adding a new category—best actor or actress injured or belittled by a fan— to its annual awards.    

© The fine fucking print: The editorial content on this page is fictional. It is presented for satirical and/or entertainment purposes only. We cannot be held responsible for the actions of anyone who takes this sort of shit seriously. We also do not wish to be held responsible for any copyrighted material that sneaked onto this page when we weren’t looking. If you can prove that anything on this page belongs rightfully to you, we will happily take it down and return the unused portion. No questions asked.

Verified by MonsterInsights