WEST CHESTER, Penna. – Clay Aiken, who rode a second-place finish on American Idol and a don’t-ask-don’t-tell sexuality to fame, fortune, and speculation, is twenty-nine today. The artist formerly known as Clayton Holmes Grissom will spend the day counting his blessings with “a special friend or two.”
Meanwhile, Mr. Aiken’s rabid fans, his Claymates, will celebrate this event by flagellating themselves into an orgiastic frenzy, burning the singer’s image into their flesh, and water boarding any nonbelievers they happen to encounter.
For those of you who love Mr. Aiken, but not in that way, we present the following Clay Aiken birthday quiz as an alternate means of saluting the weedy little git on his special day.
1. Clay Aiken was born in . . . a) denial, b) a cross-fire hurricane, c) North Carolina, d) a test tube.
2. In addition to his CDs Clay Aiken has written . . . a) a cookbook, b) a dating guide, c) several embarrassing letters to Tom Cruise, d) an illustrated history of man purses.
3. Three years ago Clay Aiken produced a television special about . . . a) Christmas, b) the Man Boy Love Association, c) Boys Town, d) his imaginary friend, Buster.
4. In 2005 Clay Aiken was honored with an ambassadorship from . . . a) Lapland, b) President Bush, c) the Man Boy Love Association, d) UNICEF.
5. The Bubel/Aiken Foundation was created to help persons with . . . a) intellectual disabilities, b) no sense of shame, c) bad hair, d) irritable bowel syndrome.
6. When he is excited, Clay Aiken speaks . . . a) quickly, b) in a piercing falsetto, c) out of the left side of his mouth, d) out his ass.
7. Clay Aiken’s fourth annual Christmas concert will be called . . . a) “Christmas in the Hardland,” b) “A Clay in a Manger,” c) “Santa’s Super Sleigh,” d) “I Saw Mommy Kissing Mrs. Claus.”
8. Following his Christmas tour, Mr. Aiken will appear . . . in . . .. a) on Howard Stern’s show . . . a tutu, b) naked . . . a remake of Tommy, c) on Broadway . . . Spamalot, d) before a grand jury . . . Aruba.
9. The term “Claymates” is . . . a) trademarked, b) banned in Muslim countries, c) code for “butt sniffers,” d) too precious for words.
10. In the accompanying photograph Clay Aiken is . . . a) about to pee himself, b) caught wearing his mother’s makeup again, c) being booked for soliciting, d) fit to be untied.
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