PHILADELPHIA – As Hurricane Irene waddled up the East Coast Saturday night and Sunday morning–slower than Kirstie Alley climbing into her sitz bath–forecasters were predicting that Irene would surpass the record number of cliches spawned by Hurricane Floyd in 1999.
“Floyd has been the gold standard for us,” said Chase Linderman, senior cliche tracker at the Cape May Point Linguistics Institute in southern New Jersey. “We haven’t seen as many cliches come out of a storm since then, but Irene seems to be making a lot of forecasters moist with expectations.”
Indeed, even a brief listen to reports of Irene’s progress was enough to demonstrate that cliches are a newscaster’s first port in a storm.
The “monster” hurricane “barreled” along the Eastern Seaboard, causing “angry” flood waters to rise “alarmingly fast” in low-lying areas, where “significant flooding” was expected. “Widespread” power outages were feared, and residents “scrambled” to purchase emergency supplies.
Despite the “torrential downpour” of cliches that Irene spawned, she turned out to be less destructive than fantasy league weather forecasters had predicted. Nevertheless, they still had a few cliches left in their quivers.
“It looks like we dodged a bullet,” said MSNBC’s Trey Mooney. “Irene could have been a whole other can of worms.”
In related news, Republican presidential candidate Michele Bachmann told Floridians Sunday that Hurricane Irene and the earthquake felt along much of the East Coast earlier in the week were messages from God to warn “politicians” to start heeding divine guidance, which she suggested is being channeled through small government conservatives.
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