Postcards from The Pug Bus

Lifting a satirical leg on popular culture

Persons in the Ether

Question of the Week

Sneakers or boots?

MB

Marnie Blotch, freelance sidewalk analyst

Currently overexplaining herself in Scranton, PA

Sneakers. Boots imply you have a plan, land, or at least a place where mud is respected. I need footwear that says I may exercise, flee, or stand in line for coffee while reconsidering my values.

DR

Doyle Rusk, seasonal gravitas consultant

Allegedly headquartered near Missoula, MT

Boots. Sneakers are for people who still believe life rewards agility. Boots admit the truth: the world is wet, uneven, and waiting to make a point. Also, they make disappointment sound better on gravel.

TC

Tilda Cramp, assistant deputy of unnecessary errands

Last reported circling a mall in Paramus, NJ

Sneakers in theory, boots in public. Sneakers suggest optimism. Boots suggest I have endured weather, retail lighting, and at least one conversation about parking. At my age, credibility begins at the ankle.

Irene Dumps Record Number of Cliches on East Coast

15 years philmaggitti

an image

PHILADELPHIA – As Hurricane Irene waddled up the East Coast Saturday night and Sunday morning–slower than Kirstie Alley climbing into her sitz bath–forecasters were predicting that Irene would surpass the record number of cliches spawned by Hurricane Floyd in 1999.

“Floyd has been the gold standard for us,” said Chase Linderman, senior cliche tracker at the Cape May Point Linguistics Institute in southern New Jersey. “We haven’t seen as many cliches come out of a storm since then, but Irene seems to be making a lot of forecasters moist with expectations.”

Indeed, even a brief listen to reports of Irene’s progress was enough to demonstrate that cliches are a newscaster’s first port in a storm.

The “monster” hurricane “barreled” along the Eastern Seaboard, causing “angry” flood waters to rise “alarmingly fast” in low-lying areas, where “significant flooding” was expected. “Widespread” power outages were feared, and residents “scrambled” to purchase emergency supplies.

Despite the “torrential downpour” of cliches that Irene spawned, she turned out to be less destructive than fantasy league weather forecasters had predicted. Nevertheless, they still had a few cliches left in their quivers.

“It looks like we dodged a bullet,” said MSNBC’s Trey Mooney. “Irene could have been a whole other can of worms.”

In related news, Republican presidential candidate Michele Bachmann told Floridians Sunday that Hurricane Irene and the earthquake felt along much of the East Coast earlier in the week were messages from God to warn “politicians” to start heeding divine guidance, which she suggested is being channeled through small government conservatives.

Comments have been turned off for this article because you wouldn’t believe the stupid merde people say when they’re allowed to leave comments.

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The preceding is satire. Straight up, Skippy. No warranties are expressed or implied. For life advice, try a professional. For investment tips, try a dart board. For salvation, the gentleman in the robe has been handling that portfolio for 2,000 years.

The Pug Bus Breaking News

The Pug Bus Breaking News requires no email address, no mother's maiden name, no first pet's nickname, and no DNA sample. You simply mash the link below and read.

Deliver It

⚡ The Department of Interior Weather requires all adults to carry a small overcast condition with them at all times. Officials described the phenomenon as “partly functional,” with scattered chances of pretending the sky is falling.

⚡ Researchers at the Center for Applied Futility report that 73 percent of household drawers contain at least one cable belonging to a device no one remembers owning. In drawers that contain more than one cable, the cables are thought to be breeding quietly behind the tape measure.

⚡ The National Council on Mild Alarms has upgraded the phrase “We need to talk” from a conversational advisory to a full-frontal emotional evacuation order. Residents are urged to remain calm, gather their dignity, and avoid replying, “About what?”

Adverse Effects

The following lines of prose cleverly disguised as poetry may induce brief clarity, misplaced certainty, and the sense that something has already been decided without your approval.

There is a moment, just before sleep,
when the mind loosens its tie
and admits what it spent all day denying.

Read It All

There is a moment, just before sleep,
when the mind loosens its tie
and admits what it spent all day denying.

You remember the thing you said—
not the words,
but the angle of them,
how they leaned slightly wrong
and stayed there.

A life is not ruined in grand gestures.
It goes soft at the edges first.
Corners round off. Standards blur.
You start calling things “fine”
that would have once kept you awake.

Which is the problem.

Because now you do sleep.

Beautifully. Efficiently.
Like someone who has made a series of
very small, very reasonable surrenders
and arranged them into a pillow.