HOLLYWOOD – Professional fat woman Kirstie Alley has emerged from the den where she hibernates with her bratwurst during the winter. Ms. Alley hauled her sagging, cellulite-ridden, 230-pound ass onto the Oprah show last week to pimp her newest weight-loss program: Organic Liaison.
We’re not certain whether this is Orca Girl’s fifth, sixth, or tenth weight-loss program, but for sure it has the most retarded name. Organic Liaison? Does that not summon up terrifying images of a barnyard tryst with a heifer who doesn’t shave her legs or her armpits and who insists that you wear an edible vegan condom?
Between belches Ms. Alley, 59, told an audience of her peers on Oprah that she aims to shed ninety pounds so she can get back to her maintenance weight of 140 pounds. Maintenance weight? What is she maintaining, half of Archer Daniels Midland’s (NYSE: ADM) snack divisions?
At 140 pounds the 5’8″ Ms. Alley will look like Jessica Simpson did several months ago when her shadow was the size of Delaware. If you don’t believe it, check out the photo below (Exhibit A), which was taken more than three years ago on Oprah, when Orca Girl claimed to weigh 145 pounds.
Closing one eye bravely and taking a peek up Organic Liaison’s flowing skirt, we discovered that the “program” consists mainly of vitamins and supplements that are available at any health food store—that and a sneaky $10-a-month “membership” fee that gives you access to “online tools and community support.” Just the ticket if you want to hang with the two-seater crowd.
If a diet plan that has no plan isn’t enough to raise suspicion, chew on this: Organic Liaison shares an address with a known Scientology front company, and several members of Organic Liaison’s advisory board are Scientologists.
So what is Kirstie, an admitted Scientologist, really selling here? Is she peddling the promise of Hallmark moments for people who keep salt licks in their closets? Or is she planning to sell your e-mail address to Scientology spooks who will try to convince you to stick your finger into one of their E-meters?
Only time and your spam filter will tell.
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