Lindsay Lohan Ditches Herbie at London Premiere

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LONDON – Lindsay Lohan managed to infuriate her studio, her co-star, her fashion providers, and legions of her emaciated fans by skipping out on the premiere of Herbie: Fully Loaded in London last night. Lohan was a no-show at a Leicester Square theater, where hundreds of anorexic look-alikes huddled for warmth in bone-rattling proximity while waiting to greet their idol.

“Blimey! I starved myself for three months to get this thin, and she’s got the cheek to blow me off?” said Angela Reed-Atkins, 17, who looked like a coat hangar draped in rags.

Actually, it’s been a while since Lohan had cheek of any sort. Dubbed The Incredible Shrinking Girl, the 6.5-stone (ninety-one-pound) actress has grown frighteningly thin during the past six months.

“She looks like a bleedin’ laboratory exhibit,” said Trevor Basingstoke, a member of the security detail at Leicester Square. “You can see the outline of her internal organs through her clothes.”

Herbie‘s director, Angela Robinson, tried to put an understanding spin on Lohan’s sudden absence: “Oh, you know, she’s having some troubles at home. She wanted to go back and deal with her family [and] I think it best she do that.”

According to Robinson, Lohan “felt she should be with her mother” to help her through divorce proceedings and a full frontal nude Playboy spread. Lohan’s father, serving a four-year jail sentence for acting the arse and aping the bully, apparently doesn’t qualify for Lindsay’s sympathy any more than he qualifies, according to her attorneys, for a cut of her earnings.

Unlike Robinson, a Disney studio executive was not so understanding about Lohan’s U-turn.

        “We’re getting [damn] tired of her selfishness, her obsession with her weight, and the rumors about her cocaine use,” he said. “Pound for pound she’s the most self-centered, high-maintenance actress in Hollywood, and that’s saying a lot. I wouldn’t be surprised if she did a Courtney Love before too much longer.”

Co-star Michael Keaton, for his part, was irate about being left on the red carpet to deal with the disappointed boos of ghostly girls with bags under their eyes. When asked to venture a guess as to Lohan’s whereabouts, Keaton snapped, “I don’t know, and I don’t care really. Perhaps she got detained at her high colonic this afternoon.

“Would you get a load of those chicks?” Keaton continued. “They look like they escaped from a boxcar in a war movie.”

As though Lohan didn’t have enough troubles, the companies that give her clothes and cosmetics for free are said to be fuming at the loss of exposure from the London premier and the whistle stop tour through Germany that was to follow.

Rachel Zoe, the $6,000-per-hour consultant who dresses Lohan and other stars, told reporters that Sephora stores (Sue Devitt Eye Intensifier Pencil and Gold Coast Bronzing Powder), Rock & Republic (jeans), Kaviar and Kind on Sunset Boulevard (jewelry), Yves Saint Laurent, Alexander McQueen, Gucci and Balenciaga (shoes, shoes, shoes, and shoes), and Halston and YSL (various articles of clothing) don’t give away their products for nothing.

“They expect people to see Lindsay wearing them,” said Zoe. “There’s no such thing as a free $3,500 dress.”

In other news, Paris Hilton has stopped wearing her 24-carat engagement ring not because she has finally gotten on her fiancee’s last nerve but because the ring has gotten on hers, and her doctors warned that she may need reconstructive surgery on her ring finger if she doesn’t give it a rest.    

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